Saturday, June 4, 2011

A Day Alone

So my darling husband left this morning for the weekend, as his little sister is graduating from high school on Monday. 

(I'm still really bummed that I can't make it; Rob and I have been together for 8 1/2 years so I've basically watched Molly grow up.  I feel like she's MY sister.  And because my high school is stupid they have graduation on a Monday, which I have ranted about several times here but COME ON, MONDAY?!)

As I mentioned yesterday, Rob leaving me (as opposed to me leaving him) is always really hard on me.  I revert back to my Army-self, frantically anticipating phone calls or emails like he's been gone for months.  And because he's at his parents' and doesn't get any cell reception I feel suffocated, like he's millions of miles away in a war zone again.  When I finally do talk to him I feel this huge relief and talk a mile a minute trying to tell him every aspect,every second of my day.

I know, I know, get a grip right? We'll be apart for like a week and a half and aside from the occasional moose, I'm pretty sure my husband is safe.

Only slightly less frightening than guerrilla fighters.

I'm watching the Bruins game right now, which is hilarious to me as I have never liked sports.  I still don't like sports, actually. I only like hockey because I think that hockey is the most honest sport in the world.  We all watch and enjoy sports because they provide a sort of safe, simulated warfare.  We can all cheer for our team/country, express undying hatred for the other team/country, and go home feeling like we participated.

Plus, I'm from New England, which means you have to cheer vociferously for all of our regional teams if you give a rat's ass.

Confession time: I'm totally one of those people that says things like "Get the puck in the net!" and "Keep the puck out of their net!" and "Skate! Skate faster!" and other obvious things that make me sound like I understand sports. I have no idea what's going on about 1/2 the time.

Now I want to talk about the childrens.

Rob and I have been talking a lot about children lately.  There was a time (in other words, my entire adolescence and young adulthood) that I worried excessively about my own fertility.  I don't have much of a reason to fear this other than my need to stress about everything I can't control, but the fear has always been there regardless, at least until I had a revelation last year.

Generally my way of dealing with anxiety is to consider the absolute worst case scenario - usually this makes me feel better because the worst case scenario (typically) isn't that bad.  One day last May I finally applied this to my fear of infertility and imagined the worst case scenario:

We can't have children. 

But we still have each other, and I know we can live a long, full life together.

I'm going to go ahead and apply a disclaimer here and say that this is my thought process, no one else's, and this isn't meant to challenge, criticize or debate anyone else's ideas, actions, motives or thoughts.  Okay? So no fighting down there in the comments.

Rob and I talked and talked and eventually agreed that if we cannot have children on our own through the good old-fashioned and fun method, we will give up control of our fertility and let what happens, happen...and maybe consider adoption if we decide to go that route later. 

This translates into no medical intervention, no stressing, just letting the chips fall where they may. I'm doing this in part to protect myself emotionally - I know that if it comes down to it, I will stress myself into infertility. I will feel a sense of obligation to Rob and to our families, inevitably developing feelings of inadequacy should we encounter an issue.  It is my belief that by completely ceding control to the fates, by making children an option rather than a requirement, we will (hopefully) remove the stress from the equation and make it into an experience that we enjoy.

If we can't have kids, we'll buy a big farmhouse on a shit-ton of land and have 5 dogs. We'll travel, we'll work, we'll live life.  And if we can have kids, we'll just do all of those things with little Caitlin-Rob clones at our feet.

Of course, like anything else, this is subject to change with the winds, with time, with maturity, and with change.  But for now it suits me just fine until the time comes to start trying.

And with those thoughts, I bid you all good night and adieu.  Thanks for your input on the giveaway, by the way!


  1. i'm pretty much the opposite here.

    i think taking prenatals is the opposite of leaving it to the fates. i'm like DAMNIT BODY, BUCKLE UP. IT'S BABY TIME [next year] AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE READY.

    i need a brain transplant.

  2. That's good you guys are talking about it. I definitely think there are ways to keep the whole trying to conceive process as stress-free as possible. That's about the one aspect of my life that doesn't cause me stress. A little oasis. LOL!

  3. i just read that paragraph about fear and anxiety outloud to my boyfriend and he said it sounded like me talking! haha, guess we have that anxiety thing in common! ;)

    i think that letting nature take its course is the best thing you can do, for the situation and your mental sanity!! i think keeping it stress free is very important.

  4. What a beautiful post, so honest and real. It's hard not to stress and anxiously await two lines on the pee stick, it's a natural emotion we experience as women. But you really just have to have faith and be patient, as hard as that might seem. We waited for our second daughter for longer than I would have imagined, but looking back now, I know that she came exactly when she was supposed to. It's great that yall are talking about it, communication is everything during this process. Have a great weekend and enjoy your alone time, sometimes it can be really good for the soul!

  5. I like how you deal with fear and anxiey because it feels like most of the time people don't have a concious method and this can really hurt them. I do imagine the worst case scenario, too:) My brother (and the medical community, call it catastophising:), but I like to think of things so outlandish that the chances of them ever actually happening are quite small! I hope you have lots of fun stuff to occupy your mind while your hubby is away:) xx

  6. Wow. I've had these same thoughts. I don't get anxious but I have thought about it. I have to admit, sometimes the thought of children overwhelms me so that I wish all I had to do was adopt and not wonder if "its" going to happen. Then I realize I want to experience that... most days.

    You were very honest in this blog, and you're right, stressing only ever makes things worse. I'm a chronic stresser, so horse's mouth here.

    Keep hope. :) Enjoy your time. :)

  7. The bit about your husband being gone made me laugh ... not at you, with you .... because I've been through something similar. Going on a year now my husband has been living in SC while I've been living in GA, except on weekends. For some reason I am still adjusting to it. ;)

    Wishing you the best of luck with your procreating endeavors! And happy to hear you are logically facing your fears. No rhyme intended. ;) You will have a beautiful life.

  8. I don't know...that moose looks pretty frightening.... ;)

    I do hope you can have kids! I'm glad you're not going to stress about it too much though, and fertility drugs can be tricky so I know if it were me I would only do that if it were absolutely certain I couldn't get pregnant on my own. But to each his own, right? If it's meant to happen, it will happen. And adoption is always a great option!

    And don't worry about missing Rob--when you've been apart from him for as long as you were, and now you have him all the time, I think it's normal to still miss him! And pretty easy to revert back to the Army way of life when that happens :-P

  9. Hi Caitlin - This is a very beautiful, genuine and real post. I think it's great because there's others out there just as scared with this topic so I appreciate you sharing your feelings. :)

    Just to add, I couldn't find your e-mail on your profile to respond to your question but I'm in CT :) Born and raised. I love New England, someday I'd like to leave but not peramanently, just to try out a new area and experience life.

    Thank you for being so wonderful and continue writing these beautiful, honest posts :)


  10. To be honest, I'm a little nervous about the infertility thing too. To be TOO honest, it would make sense considering how lackadaisical we've been with birth control... HA. All of your plans sound lovely-- Rob&Cait babies, adopted babies, five dogs and a farmhouse. Yay to the future!


Go ahead and leave a comment! You know you want to.