Friday, March 30, 2012

Spiraling

Sometimes I feel like I'll never rid myself of the mentality I developed during my long-distance relationship.

We're down to single-digit days until Rob starts work. Despite the fact that it isn't anything like our past goodbyes--of which there were many--the same thoughts and associations come flooding back in the most insidious ways.

I've noticed that I've gradually begun to descend into an unexplained funk.* Every day I feel more restless, more bored, more frustrated.  Small, stupid, petty things irk me though they never did before.  I snap inexplicably and if we had an argument I just hide in our bedroom and read.  Yesterday I became furious with our Progressive Snapshot because it seems intent on proving that I'm a terrible driver and I'm very self conscious about my driving (no, you goddamn piece of plastic, "hard braking" does not equal "stopping at the fucking stoplight when it turns yellow and then red"). The other night I fell asleep two hours before Rob, which never happens because we always fall asleep together after watching Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I've just felt off.

Yesterday or the day before I finally started to evaluate why I was feeling so claustrophobic in my own body. I instantly remembered that Rob begins work on Sunday and the realization hit me that my body must be preparing itself, in a way, for another goodbye.  My subconscious, for whatever reason, doesn't differentiate between Rob going to a 9-6 job and eventually leaving for a few weeks at a time and him leaving for Iraq.

Unfortunately once my self-conscious chooses how my body will feel my mind tends to blindly follow suit.  And also unfortunately, once I realized the underlying cause of my frustration it just made me feel like my body was right and that I should indeed be worrying about Rob starting work on Sunday.   That it indeed will be just as awful as I think it is. My train of thought weaves along the well-worn path I've created for it throughout years of anxiety and depression and it seems impossible to pull it out of that rut.

It doesn't really help that I've been out of therapy for over a month and don't have a professional sounding board to help me figure out the ins and outs of this process and how I can pull myself out of this.

While I would absolutely love to just sit around with Rob all day, we realistically need to move on with this next chapter of our lives.  I need to come to accept that Rob leaving the house does not indicate that he's leaving me, and I should avoid my typical MO of making everything about myself and instead support my husband in his new step he's taking.  I am very, very proud of him and can't wait to see how this new chapter progresses for him and for us, together.

I guess for now the only thing I can do is engage in the only therapy I can--namely hot baths, nachos, chocolate cookies, and snuggling with my favorite person in his last few days of freedom. After all,  I'll eventually have to learn to effectively confront these abandonment demons, and the lesson is officially here whether I'm ready or not.

*For the record, I hate the word funk.  Can someone please come up with a new word to describe this?

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, girl. *hug* I can't imagine... Well, I can. Years ago, Jen started a new job and I literally went WITH HER. I know, I was silly, but we couldn't stand to be apart... She quit that job because of the really odd supervisor she had and the fact that they were mis-treating her.

    I worked alone for a while, simply because I absolutely HAD TO and while doing so, Jen would mostly sleep. I would cry every single morning before work and while I was getting ready in the employee bathroom. I'll never forget that - half a year of hell.

    Jen is now on disability and I am working on my own, while also trying to see if I can make a living off my blog and art, plus her $465 a month. I'm so damn thankful we won't have to be separated again.

    You are a much stronger girl than I am and if you e-v-e-r need a chat with a like-minded friend, let me know, okay???

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    1. Thanks lady :) It's great when you find someone you can literally be around 24/7 and never get tired of them, but sad that you can't get paid to do it!

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  2. Other words for funk... the blurgs (I made that up but I like it), down in the dumps, miffed (though that's more about being irritated), the blues, a case of the doldrums, fed up, put out, despondent, glooomy...

    I've run out now. That was my attempt to be helpful. But I hope that maybe, as you learnt to associate this with strength, you might eventually learn not to? I don't know, I'm no expert, but I feel for you. *hugs*

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    1. Hehehe I like all of your words better than funk, especially when in my head I say them with a British accent. :)

      Thanks for your kind thoughts and virtual hugs, they are appreciated!

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  3. When stuff like that bothers me, I always say "it makes my soul itchy."

    I think the fact that you're finding ways to process and dialogue and try to sort out where you are emotionally with these changes...that's such a HUGE indicator of health and actualization. I really admire that about you.

    Hope these few days of cuddling are great and I hope the days that come after are even better than that!

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    1. Haha itchy soul is great. I always tell Rob that when he leaves I think of this book series I read as a kid (His Dark Materials) in which the character's souls live outside of them as animals. When they separate or get too far away they go into great inner turmoil and it can drive them crazy.

      Thanks for your kind words and support, it means a lot :)

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  4. I'm sorry you're feeling awful, but I know what you mean. In the past when my boyfriend has left to go to Hawaii to see his family I would pick every single petty fight I possibly could with him. I think I do it because I feel it's easier to say goodbye if I am mad. It helps distance me from him. But inevitably it doesn't work and we both end up angry and sad.

    I don't have any advice for you accept maybe when you see yourself acting a certain way picture a stop sign in your mind and reflect on your actions. Ask yourself why you're doing what you're doing and decide if it is worth it. For me this helps a lot.

    And walks. Take walks whenever you can! I love to take walks and daydream when I an upset or sad and it really helps ground me when my head is up in the clouds.

    When I am in a so called funk I normally say that I am having a 'moment'. So that's an alternative.

    I hope you feel better soon!

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    1. Yesterday I took a drive all by myself to the grocery store and it did wonders. I love Rob, I just needed to be away so I could fume and be all annoyed by myself. I do the same "distancing" thing when Rob's about to leave, it's so unconscious and insidious, so bizarre!

      Thanks friend :)

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  5. That sorta sounds like the best therapy ever. I would like to come over for a session. SOON.
    Eep! You are ONLY 5 hours a way. I'm going to really start to try to plan it and get with joanna and figure out a weekend we both could/you could!

    I'm sorry for the funk, and I also don't like that word, but it does do an effective job. I'm hoping it leaves STAT and super happy awesome confident rad feelings take its place.

    LOVEYOURFACE.

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    1. GAH COME OVER SOON. I was thinking if you guys could make it in April it'd be perfect, since I'm sure to be here without traveling :) May would work too I think.

      Thanks for the kind words and LUVYOURIGHTBACK

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  6. Hugs friend! And know that you are acting totally normal (well I think is normal) I get this way all the time before Scott leaves on an extra long business trip. I get super cranky/snap at him and then realize what in the world am I doing, I should be spending time with him instead of snapping. Then when he does finally leave I feel like I am almost numbing myself from trying to miss him and keep myself in busy mode till he gets back.

    I wish you lived closer I would stop by, make my son cheer you up (he can blow kisses at ya) or scream frantically at your dog because he loves dogs while we ate nachos together.

    I hope this funk (fajangeledness I always tell Scott Im fajangeled) doesn't last long
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks for the sweet words, friend. I'm trying to sort of snap myself out of it, it's just hard when your mind is so focused on the negative all the time.

      I'd love it if you stopped by! My niece should meet your son, I'm sure they'd get along :) And yay nachos!

      <3

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  7. Such a big part of your relationship with Rob was spent apart in the beginning, it seems only normal your body goes into automatic "coping" mode when the idea of him leaving comes up again. It's a scary thing, but I think another big factor is that this is another totally new experience for the two of you, and you're nervous for that unknown. I honestly think that once he's spent a couple weeks @ work and left for a couple weeks, you'll get used to this "new" kind of leaving that Rob has to do. For now it's just all in your head, what it'll be like. Try not to stress about it yet, don't cross the bridge before you get to it! I know it's easier said than done though. I have no doubt you'll pull through. :)

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    1. Thanks for the sweet words friend...it'll get easier I'm sure :) It's the anticipation that always does this to me! <3

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  8. Aw I'm sorry you're feeling so icky but I know you'll get through this unscathed and wonder why you ever worried in the first place!

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