Something of a Breakthrough

Well friends, since I share with you quite frequently when I fuck shit up or utterly fail at managing my anxiety I share it with you, I figured I might as well share when I do something right too.

Yesterday I was napping because that's what you do on stormy Sundays, and when I woke up I went straight to my phone to check out the fire situation.  We've been planning on Rob getting called out soon since Arizona is lighting the F up, so I've been checking even more often than usual. Anyway I noticed a fire had started within the last hour and a half or so and that two crews of Rob's designation had been called.  I immediately figured he'd be called out, and within 10 minutes he texted me with extreme verbosity, "going to az."

Dids upon hearing her Robbie wasn't coming home.

Now, the last time this happened, I totally fucking dissolved at this point.  I was more or less non-functional for the entire 3.5 days he was gone and I'm sad to say that isn't an exaggeration.  When I walked into my therapy appointment that week I literally couldn't hold it together long enough to make it to the chair without crying.

This time I was somewhat prepared because I'd been steeling myself for it for weeks and because I've been researching non-stop.  It hit me and it sucked, but I didn't cry.  Instead, building off of what my therapist and I have been working on the last few weeks, I acknowledged the emotion and acknowledged that it was just that--an emotion.  Valid, of course, but it doesn't by definition come from a rational place.  I reminded myself that I am loved, that Rob would be home eventually, and that 2 weeks (the maximum amount of time he can be gone) isn't fucking forever no matter how much it feels like that.

 

The problem I normally have in these situations is that I lack the ability to regulate my emotions.  When I feel a strong emotion--like sadness or fear--it hits me full-force straight in the gut.  In that way, being sad that Rob is gone for 14 days--decidedly not the end of the world--feels like, well, the end of the world.  Once I get too deeply mired in the "emotional mind" as my therapist calls it, I can't claw my way out and end up just running on autopilot. This time was totally different.  I felt sad, but it didn't feel like my whole day (or week, or weeks) was/were about to be affected adversely.

At first I felt terrified to move from my bed, afraid I'd jar the newfound peace and end up wallowing in tears again.  But I jumped up, half-surprised at how easily I did so, and took the dog for a walk.  I texted the fire-wives and made plans for dinner at a new restaurant, and took the dog for yet another walk beforehand to help stem the tide of her excitement while I was gone.  I had a great time with the ladies and I feel really fucking good about these next few weeks.

My footing on my emotional peace feels tenuous at best at this point - I'm afraid that if one day I don't get a phone call or if he seems distant (usually I read "exhausted" as "distant") I'll dissolve all over again.  But for now I'm allowing myself to be proud that I seem to be handling this better than I ever could've imagined, and without even realizing I was doing it.  Since you guys are always there to hear my nonsense I wanted to share it with you.  Have a wonderful week!