Yesterday I was napping because that's what you do on stormy Sundays, and when I woke up I went straight to my phone to check out the fire situation. We've been planning on Rob getting called out soon since Arizona is lighting the F up, so I've been checking even more often than usual. Anyway I noticed a fire had started within the last hour and a half or so and that two crews of Rob's designation had been called. I immediately figured he'd be called out, and within 10 minutes he texted me with extreme verbosity, "going to az."
Now, the last time this happened, I totally fucking dissolved at this point. I was more or less non-functional for the entire 3.5 days he was gone and I'm sad to say that isn't an exaggeration. When I walked into my therapy appointment that week I literally couldn't hold it together long enough to make it to the chair without crying.
This time I was somewhat prepared because I'd been steeling myself for it for weeks and because I've been researching non-stop. It hit me and it sucked, but I didn't cry. Instead, building off of what my therapist and I have been working on the last few weeks, I acknowledged the emotion and acknowledged that it was just that--an emotion. Valid, of course, but it doesn't by definition come from a rational place. I reminded myself that I am loved, that Rob would be home eventually, and that 2 weeks (the maximum amount of time he can be gone) isn't fucking forever no matter how much it feels like that.
The problem I normally have in these situations is that I lack the ability to regulate my emotions. When I feel a strong emotion--like sadness or fear--it hits me full-force straight in the gut. In that way, being sad that Rob is gone for 14 days--decidedly not the end of the world--feels like, well, the end of the world. Once I get too deeply mired in the "emotional mind" as my therapist calls it, I can't claw my way out and end up just running on autopilot. This time was totally different. I felt sad, but it didn't feel like my whole day (or week, or weeks) was/were about to be affected adversely.
My footing on my emotional peace feels tenuous at best at this point - I'm afraid that if one day I don't get a phone call or if he seems distant (usually I read "exhausted" as "distant") I'll dissolve all over again. But for now I'm allowing myself to be proud that I seem to be handling this better than I ever could've imagined, and without even realizing I was doing it. Since you guys are always there to hear my nonsense I wanted to share it with you. Have a wonderful week!