Love Me, Dammit

Lately I've been dealing with a deep-seated fear of abandonment.  I didn't really realize just how severe this fear was until I found myself absolutely crippled with anxiety at the thought of my husband leaving me either for being so damn anxious all the time or because he'll finally realize, just as I did within a month of being together, that I am not worth his time because a funnier, quirkier, prettier, younger girl is out there somewhere.

I guess I realized that no matter what happens or what has happened with Rob and I, I do not feel as though I am worthy of love.

For as long as I can remember I've held the conviction that Rob will one day leave me for someone else, that it's only a matter of time, and who could blame him?  Who could love someone so flawed, what with my anxiety every time someone says "boo" (or doesn't say "boo," and it might mean they don't like me anymore), my constant lack of trust, my propensity toward talking about absolutely nothing, my short hair, my cellulite and spider veins, the fact that I drink from straws like a suckling infant (seriously, I get mocked at family events), the fact that I can sometimes come off as judgmental or self-righteous, and my gross feet.

The interesting thing here, I suppose, is that by coming down so hard on myself I am actually being far more disrespectful and cruel to Rob.  Basically I am telling the man who promised me his life, who thought of me while he was in firefights and IED explosions, who has bought me the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received, who has held me during my worst moments of body-wracking depression and anxiety, that nothing he has done counts for anything because his love for me must be fleeting, transient, and one sexy girl away from completely vanishing into thin air.

In these moments of blindness I completely forget about the way he looks at me when I'm talking, the pleasure he gets out of cooking together (the man refuses to let me cook for him), how excited he gets when he comes home and the dog and I are there to greet him, how he finishes my sentences and vice versa, how I can write "Your Mom goes to College" on our chalkboard and he can tell me exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it, how I can start a movie or TV show reference and he can always finish it or keep it going, how he's happier watching endless episodes of "Twilight Zone" or "30 Rock" with me than he would be going out with friends, or how I can't walk by him without him telling me that I'm his favorite.

I know that I will keep running into this issue of trust and self-loathing with Rob until I learn to love myself.  Loving yourself is the only true way to learn how to love another, and that is a fact.

So starting today, I am going to work harder on loving me for who I am.  Because this is the only body and mind and hopefully husband that I'm going to get.  And I can't imagine the man would've stayed with my crazy ass this long if there wasn't something awesome about me, right?

I have a feeling I'm not totally alone on this, so ladies, follow my lead and focus on loving yourself as much as you love those around you.

We all are worthy of love, not only of the love of others but also the love of ourselves.  

I hope you all are having a wonderful, love-filled week.

Also, I wanted to wish my older sister and best friend, Megan, the happiest of birthdays tomorrow! Love you, sister!