Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Love Me, Dammit

Lately I've been dealing with a deep-seated fear of abandonment.  I didn't really realize just how severe this fear was until I found myself absolutely crippled with anxiety at the thought of my husband leaving me either for being so damn anxious all the time or because he'll finally realize, just as I did within a month of being together, that I am not worth his time because a funnier, quirkier, prettier, younger girl is out there somewhere.

I guess I realized that no matter what happens or what has happened with Rob and I, I do not feel as though I am worthy of love.

For as long as I can remember I've held the conviction that Rob will one day leave me for someone else, that it's only a matter of time, and who could blame him?  Who could love someone so flawed, what with my anxiety every time someone says "boo" (or doesn't say "boo," and it might mean they don't like me anymore), my constant lack of trust, my propensity toward talking about absolutely nothing, my short hair, my cellulite and spider veins, the fact that I drink from straws like a suckling infant (seriously, I get mocked at family events), the fact that I can sometimes come off as judgmental or self-righteous, and my gross feet.


The interesting thing here, I suppose, is that by coming down so hard on myself I am actually being far more disrespectful and cruel to Rob.  Basically I am telling the man who promised me his life, who thought of me while he was in firefights and IED explosions, who has bought me the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received, who has held me during my worst moments of body-wracking depression and anxiety, that nothing he has done counts for anything because his love for me must be fleeting, transient, and one sexy girl away from completely vanishing into thin air.

In these moments of blindness I completely forget about the way he looks at me when I'm talking, the pleasure he gets out of cooking together (the man refuses to let me cook for him), how excited he gets when he comes home and the dog and I are there to greet him, how he finishes my sentences and vice versa, how I can write "Your Mom goes to College" on our chalkboard and he can tell me exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it, how I can start a movie or TV show reference and he can always finish it or keep it going, how he's happier watching endless episodes of "Twilight Zone" or "30 Rock" with me than he would be going out with friends, or how I can't walk by him without him telling me that I'm his favorite.


I know that I will keep running into this issue of trust and self-loathing with Rob until I learn to love myself.  Loving yourself is the only true way to learn how to love another, and that is a fact.

So starting today, I am going to work harder on loving me for who I am.  Because this is the only body and mind and hopefully husband that I'm going to get.  And I can't imagine the man would've stayed with my crazy ass this long if there wasn't something awesome about me, right?

I have a feeling I'm not totally alone on this, so ladies, follow my lead and focus on loving yourself as much as you love those around you.

We all are worthy of love, not only of the love of others but also the love of ourselves.  

I hope you all are having a wonderful, love-filled week.

Also, I wanted to wish my older sister and best friend, Megan, the happiest of birthdays tomorrow! Love you, sister!

14 comments:

  1. Good God, I love this post. And i adore you lady. BEAUTIFUL, just like you.

    Happy Birthday to your sister too! yay! :]

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  2. This post is beautiful. I'm glad you came to such a happy conclusion :)

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  3. this was a very touching post. and i think it says a lot about you, that you were willing to come out and admit your issues with not always loving yourself.

    if it makes any difference, i already thought you were gorgeous, funny, smart, and quirky. :)

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  4. Aw Caitlin I feel those awful, stupid feelings a lot too so I completely understand where you're coming from. I have been working so hard on my self-esteem this past year and it is HARD work. I wish you luck and I hope you'll post about breakthroughs... not only for encouragement but so the rest of us out there like you might get a few pointers too. =]
    And really, I can't believe you don't think you're beautiful. Your features are so feminine and adorable... and I think you seem pretty dang awesome through your blog. =]

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  5. I feel you on this one. I too am learning to love myself first. It's a tough nut to crack. Stay strong! I'll be here reading :)

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  6. aw I feel for you. I think we all doubt ourselves, but it is so true, we are worthy of love. Your man seems amazing! I love that you watch twilight zone together. That's one of my favs!

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  7. I think a girl who said anything different than what you wrote would be lying- at least a little bit. It's totally normal to feel insecure, I definitely have my moments. But those things you said about the way Rob looks at you and the things he does for you, my heart melted. You can't deny that he's crazy for you, you guys have been through SO much! I only DREAM of meeting someone like that. You are one lucky lady, but he is a VERY lucky guy too!!! :)

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  8. i used to think that way, and still am guilty of it sometimes, but realised it was me ruining my relationships by thinking that way. i dont have those feelings when i am with christian, so i know he is perfect for the NOT perfect me! :D

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  9. You sound like me in this post! I'm like that with my husband too but with him being so patient and loving, I'm getting there...a work in progress. Glad you are making the decision to love yourself. :) And happy birthday to your sister!

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  10. This is a beautiful post, and a great reminder to every woman, even if you're single! I struggled with this a lot in previous relationships, and they didn't work out in the end but I know it affected the way our relationship was. Thanks for posting this :)

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  11. This post spoke right to me! Thanks for being so honest about your feelings, it reminds me I'm not the only lady who feels like this.

    Your post was a reminder today to love myself! Thank you!

    xoxo
    Taylor M.

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  12. Oh, I am so with you! After about 6 months of marriage and very stressful times- I felt so unworthy! I broke down in tears when ever he would suggest or hint that I should do something for our house. I finally told him I was just waiting for him to leave me!! It was rough, I am still learning how to love me-- but Realizing part of loving him is loving me has helped.

    I also have bought myself a few new things- and when I did this I repeated over and over again "I am worth something new, I deserve this"

    Oh what a journey of self marriage can take us on! I am so thankful for my patient, understanding, and loving husband.

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  13. i admire your honesty, sweetheart! let me just say that you are more than deserving of love. if only you could see in yourself what others see in you, you might just love yourself too much! ;) you are amazing, my dear! it is not by coincidence that that man fell in love with you! the more confidence you have in yourself, the more he will love you (in addition to how crazy he is about you now). You've got it going on girl!! xoxo

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  14. atta girl!! what a breakthrough : ) this was amazing to read; I'll probably keep revisiting it. I just love listening to you.

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