I Annoy Myself & Here's Why!

I know I've been really into these "Things That..." posts lately but what can I say, they're fun to write.  This one will be pretty easy to write, since it's about my awkward self, something that I am constantly and painfully aware of.

I got the idea to write a "Things That Annoy Me About Myself" (yeah, that's great syntax, I know) from Lauren, who is a lovely person.

1. My tendency to take constructive criticism extremely personally.  Be it "your writing could use some work," "make sure to include a subject with that work email you sent," or "please stop asking me if I still love you," I automatically and unquestioningly take it as a deep, cutting remark against who I am as a person.  I'm a bad person, I'm annoying, I'm obnoxious, you get the point.  I then assume that the other person, who of course always has the moral high ground over me, is also thinking non-stop about how awful I am because of that one indiscretion and that they have made a final, permanent judgement on me. This is why in my blog posts you'll always see apologies and "scare quotes" and endless qualifications: I try, as much as possible, to preempt the stream of criticism that may fall upon my head.

2. My inability to do anything creative correctly.  This is hard to explain, but I feel like whenever I've tried to copy something creative, like a clothing style for example, it always winds up looking like a "poor man's" version of that thing.  Take my blog, for example.  I try to make it look like all of your well-structured and matching blogs, but it just doesn't.  Apart from my awesome header made by Jess, my blog looks like Cypress ate Photoshop and dafont.com and vomited them up onto your screen. Shit doesn't line up, the fonts aren't interesting, and I have no idea what colors to use aside from the very obvious ones, no matter how hard I try. I visit friends and they have lovely coordinated bathrooms, but our bathroom is a hodgepodge of hand-me-down towels of various colors, whatever handsoap was cheapest, and the shower curtain that came with the place.  I just don't get complementary colors or how people can just do shit and it looks awesome.

 

Gratuitous love photo because the blogs tell me that people don't like too much text and what can I say, I live to serve.

3. My total lack of impulse control.  If I want something and I have the money, it's mine. If I have an itch, I scratch it, even if scratching it isn't what's best for me (interestingly I can resist scratching when I'm dealing with a tattoo that's healing, but Rob will still tell you that I act totally nuts).

4. I pull away when I'm upset.  Whenever I'm anticipating feeling hurt or lonely, I pull away, but not subtly or nobly or humbly; I do it in a really stupid, passive aggressive way that is totally noticeable to anyone who knows me even halfway decently.  I can't even do emotional distance correctly.

5. I don't drink water enough. I really like juice. And chocolate milk.  Water is fucking boring.

6. My talent(?) for taking any compliment and finding a negative in it.  This one's pretty self-explanatory.  You like my writing? You'll probably hate my next 5 posts because I'm trying too hard.  My shirt is nice? You wouldn't think so if you saw me in real life.

7. I hate leftovers.  My dad also hates leftovers so as a kid we didn't eat them all that much.  Even the smell of leftovers--despite the fact that they generally smell the same as they did the night before--can make me physically sick.  I must just be a picky, privileged asshole since I've only had a few people agree with me that microwaved chicken and turkey are straight-up disgusting.

Wishing you all an awesome week free of negativity* and hard water.

*Rob just pointed out the irony of wishing you a non-negative week whilst simultaneously starting your Tuesday with a negative post.  Touché, husband-man. To make up for it, here's an picture of Cypress being adorable. You're welcome.