Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Not-so-Coherent Thoughts on New Beginnings

I realized that most of my posts over the last few days have touched on the new year quite a bit, probably to the point that you're wondering when I'll just shut up and deal with the fact that it's 2012.  I don't blame you, I'm kind of wondering the same thing.

Is it weird to say that 2012 just feels different? I feel like there are big things happening this year; not necessarily bad or good, just big.  And minus the move and all the challenges it will bring, I have no idea what any of these changes will be.

Because 2012 feels different so far, I want to be different in response.  I want to not be so quick to anger or frustration at tiny things, I want to not allow those in my life who seek to hurt or overcompensate have an irrational effect on me, I want to be the absolute best wife and friend I can be.

2011 was the first year I ever really engaged in therapy, and though I struggle every day, it was as though a light switch came on in my head.  It's a double-edged sword, developing insight into your own thoughts, and it can often be even more stressful than the original anxiety.

Earlier today I caught myself getting frustrated at losing a Words with Friends game (lifelong competitiveness, it's tough to stop) and I wondered why these sorts of things bug me so much. Why do I let tiny, meaningless frustrations dominate my demeanor and my mood?  Why, in these moments, can I not see the proverbial forest through the trees?

By way of another example, the other day my friend Amie, who has an interest in spirituality and astrology, read some astrological information relative to each of our birthdays from a big book with each day of the year.  Mine was kind of hit-or-miss, but Rob's was absolutely dead-on.  And though neither of us believe in astrology to any great extent (or any extent at all), it really hit home to me how though I know Rob very well after nine years together, there's still so much more to learn about him.  I've done both him and me a disservice by not spending more time learning more every day about my husband.  I don't mean to say that we don't communicate, but as with any marriage, we can always communicate more.

So in response to 2012's brash arrival, I will work toward being the best possible person I can be.  To not make everything about me, and to spend time focusing on what really matters.

And if you made it through that semi-incoherent post, I admire you.

9 comments:

  1. I'm working on some major changing this year too. For the first time, I feel like maybe I need to do something more meaningful in terms of work or something outside the home. It is kind of unsettling and will need some working through. Good luck with your work

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  2. I kind of feel like 2012 is different, too, though there's nothing big I'm expecting to happen in it. I'm trying to remember if I felt this way about last year or the year before, but I'm not sure either way. And I'd prefer to think I'm starting a year which IS special.

    All the best to you.

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  3. Not incoherent at all you silly thing. I love your posts and this is no different. You always inspire me to look inwards and think about how I can be a better myself. I'm with you in 2012 in trying to be just overall better. I know I could be a better wife, and take more time with the people I love. Thanks for this post, and everything you post. I adore you!

    xoxo

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  4. This is a great post Caitlin. Everytime someone posts something like this I do a silent little cheer for them because I think just REALIZING you need to change something is the biggest part. There are so many people out there who have no idea they're hurtful or dishonest or holding themselves/others back, but once they realize something like that it all the sudden starts to change.
    You have such an awesome personality and WANT to be better so I know you will succeed. And I'll be the one at the end saying "See, told you you could do it."
    =]

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  5. Also I think you texted me recently and I didn't answer it. Nothing personal. I don't get service at home and I cleared out my texts this morning before I remembered that may have been you. If it wasn't, disregard.

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  6. Good luck Caitlin! I kind of feel the same about 2012, I'm not sure why. I just *want* to do better this year! I'm really excited to see what's in store for you this year with your move and all the changes headed your way. :)

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  7. I totally get what you mean. Almost this weird pressure to MAKE THIS YEAR BETTER than the last. Whatever that means exactly. It's hard starting out on a positive note with a cold January and so many changes ... but you can do it!

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  8. Lovely post and I wish you all the luck in the world, reaching deeper in and turning that inspiration into something magical for you. I found your blog through Liz at Yellow Finch Designs, and just love your spirit. Will be back for more!

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  9. Ah I'm sorry - the words with friends thing lol. I NEVER WIN so if we played 99% you'd win haha. Hope you can make some great improvements :) I think we all want to! Happy new year!

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