I feel like I haven't written a real post in quite some time and truthfully it's been weighing on me.
To be honest with you guys I haven't been doing so great lately. I think one of the downsides to getting mentally healthy and learning how to combat the negative bullshit is that instead of just the bad voice in your head you have two conflicting voices, at least when you're still in treatment limbo. The anxiety this has created has led to a really weird spiral of depression, a depression I haven't experienced since some of my most stressful years in high school. My mind has been descending into some strange-ass places and when it's really bad, I hardly feel in control of it at all.*
The anxiety and depression are due to many factors, namely the fact that my husband is still leaving to go on fires leaving me alone and sad and will be for the next 2 months, and that work has been incredibly stressful of late. I'd been vacillating between the two for the last week or so, worrying about one or the other at any given time, but this morning (I'm always more stressed in the morning) it all came crashing down on me at once. My therapist has me rate my anxiety 1-5 each day, and today was the first day ever I could give it a 5. It was awful. Rob helped a ton, as usual, but I also know that I generally just have to ride out the meltdowns and eventually I can start rebuilding my sanity again.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally exhausted with the effort. I haven't been eating (I've lost about 5 pounds so far this summer) and I'm constantly sleepy and bordering on sick. It's both bizarre and paralyzing to be so self-aware and yet feel so helpless to fix it.
I was really open about it in therapy this week, and my therapist and I are trying to come up with some effective strategies--and maybe additional sessions--with the goal of fixing this or at least getting me to a more functional level. I'm also hoping to integrate writing--either here or privately--into the healing if you guys aren't totally sick of these whiny, self-indulgent depression posts yet.
Let me say now that in general I'm really happy and I know how fortunate I am in so many ways. As those of you who suffer from anxiety and depression know, they are insidious and can sneak up in the most inopportune moments and I'm often caught off guard by it.
To lighten the mood, here's a picture of my husband's feet while he played a new video game on my iPad:
*For any family/friends reading this, please don't be concerned. Life is awesome and I have no self-destructive tendencies.