Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Losing the Battle

I fight them but the insidious negative thoughts fight their way in.  I once again leverage the ant metaphor.  It seems that for each ant you crush, 70 sprout up in its place.  Eventually the effort it takes to even kill one ant becomes too much and I allow myself to be subsumed by the oncoming tide of ants.

Perhaps I've gone too far with this metaphor.

I feel myself shutting off, shutting down, not letting anything or anyone in.  Every word, every action becomes cause for further withdrawal into myself. 

All the therapeutic progress in the world can seemingly not keep it at bay, this tide of negative thoughts, self-conciousness and doubt. It doesn't matter how much love I'm shown, how many kind words I hear, the only ones that get through are the benign that somehow morph into expressions of hatred and hurt.  It's like a constant, pulsing undertow that is always quietly waiting to sweep me under.

Far too many nature-based metaphors and similes here, you can say it.

It somehow turned into a rough night and it's no one's doing but my own.

17 comments:

  1. Sounds like a rough night, my dear. Tomorrow is a new day, I swear. <3

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  2. I hate when that happens. Sending happy thoughts your way <3

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  3. Oh, Caitlin. I'm so sorry to hear you're having a tough night. I wish I could help. Please know I'm sending hugs and love. xo

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  4. that stinks my friend. don't let those thoughts take over, but sometimes we can't control them.
    thinking of you

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  5. i think we all have those negative, nasty thoughts that creep in now and again...whats important is to not let them be so loud they take over. remember that they are just thoughts, nothing more. and try your best to be present and feel something positive, let that scream over the grumbles and growls of negativity. it doesn't even have to be related to what you are thinking, but it could be. for every thing you despise, there has to be at least one thing you love. surely even when you hate your hair, you still love puppies (i know this is a very weak example of what i'm trying to convey, but i hope you get the point...basics). i'm sure you've heard a million times that your mood and thoughts are up to you...but thats because its true. go somewhere quiet, lay on the floor(on your back looking up towards the sky), close your eyes and just take some deep breaths, focus on only your inhales and exhales and the rise and fall of your belly. inhale for the same number of counts as you exhale and pause in between(inhale: 1,2,3. pause: 1. exhale: 1,2,3. pause:1. repeat.). release everything from your body...just leave it right there on the floor. visualize every thought emptying from your mind and visualize all stress and tension leaving your body...let it dissolve. know that no matter what is happening in your world, there isn't much you're going to solve tonight...let it go. remember that these things that seem so big are only made that way by us, "worrying gives small problems big shadows"...don't sweat the small stuff. try your best to laugh, even if nothing is funny. sometimes i just laugh because and then i start laughing at myself fake laughing, which makes my husband laugh and before you know it...you feel pretty good. you're awesome, just be you. sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it!"...ya know? sending good vibes and hugs and high fives your way sister. much love.

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  6. nature-based metaphors = band name?

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  7. i'm really sorry you're having a rough night. i wish i lived closer to you and could come over and make you feel better! you're in my thoughts and i'm sending well wishes your way.

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  8. There's no guilt or shame in that. I hope you have a better day today.

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  9. I hate to sound so cliche, but...this too shall pass.

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  10. i know the situations are different, but i can fit your words into many of the days of my life.

    one day at a time, my friend. one day at a time.

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  11. So sorry you're going through these rough times. I'm thinking of you! :)

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  12. I'm sorry friend. Wish I could hug you and force some red wine down your throat. ;]
    Hope today is better. I love the freshness and newness each day brings.
    love.

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  13. aw I'm sorry girl....hope you have a better day today!!!

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  14. I know what it's like to have negativity and darkness closing in on you, so sorry you're in this situation. You are in my thoughts.

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  15. I understand completely Caitlin. It's a vicious cycle that for whatever reason amazing people get sucked into. If I figure out how to break my vicious cycle I'll let you know :) I Love you very very much.

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  16. I completely understand, my friend. Just know that you aren't alone! *hugs*

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  17. If you ever need to vent in an email, you send one my way okay? I'm thinking of you!! <3

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