On Inadequacy, Mostly

Let me be the first to apologize for ignoring my blog of late.  Work took over like crazy and I'm trying (oh, how I'm trying) to get everything done.  Today I worked on two documents all day and after dinner, decided that I was going to turn my mind off and catch up on some blogs. 

I've been positively itching to write a blog post but it seems like everything I want to write is somehow inadequate.  Truth be told, I've been feeling a little inadequate lately.  I feel like I can't do anything right, that everyone sees me as the big awkward monster that I see myself as.  I feel that everyone hates me and begrudges my talkativeness and (of course) awkwardness.  I feel like know that I am half the wife that Rob deserves. Every positive comment comes immediately in one ear and out the other, while the negative or even slightly negative comments hang on for dear life.

Awkward!

 

Sometimes the thoughts threaten to overwhelm my brain and crush my sanity.  I end up withdrawing and disconnecting and I hate myself when I'm like that.

My therapist started me on a new thought process that I've been trying to use as much as possible.  She intially tried guiding me toward coming up with thoughts that directly contradicted the negative little ant-thoughts that pervade my brain on a daily basis.  This--perhaps not shockingly--had little to no effect and the thoughts kept on marching. 

So one day after a tear-filled admission of psychosis she handed me a notepad and told me to write down all of the proof I had that any of my fears and neuroses were justified. As expected, my list looked something like this:

[Insert blinking cursor]

This method was actually quite helpful.  It doesn't remove the thoughts or the anxiety, but it places a stopgap and keeps my anxiety from going from a 3 to a 9.  Instead it sits around a "healthy" 5 or 6. I don't know that it will ever go away, but dammit, I will try.  I owe it not only to myself, but to my husband and the people I love, to love myself and to be the best person I can be.  I hope I can reach that someday soon.

Are you all having a good week so far?