I've been positively itching to write a blog post but it seems like everything I want to write is somehow inadequate. Truth be told, I've been feeling a little inadequate lately. I feel like I can't do anything right, that everyone sees me as the big awkward monster that I see myself as. I feel that everyone hates me and begrudges my talkativeness and (of course) awkwardness. I
My therapist started me on a new thought process that I've been trying to use as much as possible. She intially tried guiding me toward coming up with thoughts that directly contradicted the negative little ant-thoughts that pervade my brain on a daily basis. This--perhaps not shockingly--had little to no effect and the thoughts kept on marching.
So one day after a tear-filled admission of psychosis she handed me a notepad and told me to write down all of the proof I had that any of my fears and neuroses were justified. As expected, my list looked something like this:
[Insert blinking cursor]
This method was actually quite helpful. It doesn't remove the thoughts or the anxiety, but it places a stopgap and keeps my anxiety from going from a 3 to a 9. Instead it sits around a "healthy" 5 or 6. I don't know that it will ever go away, but dammit, I will try. I owe it not only to myself, but to my husband and the people I love, to love myself and to be the best person I can be. I hope I can reach that someday soon.
Are you all having a good week so far?