Tuesday, August 16, 2011

On Inadequacy, Mostly

Let me be the first to apologize for ignoring my blog of late.  Work took over like crazy and I'm trying (oh, how I'm trying) to get everything done.  Today I worked on two documents all day and after dinner, decided that I was going to turn my mind off and catch up on some blogs. 

I've been positively itching to write a blog post but it seems like everything I want to write is somehow inadequate.  Truth be told, I've been feeling a little inadequate lately.  I feel like I can't do anything right, that everyone sees me as the big awkward monster that I see myself as.  I feel that everyone hates me and begrudges my talkativeness and (of course) awkwardness.  I feel like know that I am half the wife that Rob deserves. Every positive comment comes immediately in one ear and out the other, while the negative or even slightly negative comments hang on for dear life.

Awkward!
 
Sometimes the thoughts threaten to overwhelm my brain and crush my sanity.  I end up withdrawing and disconnecting and I hate myself when I'm like that.

My therapist started me on a new thought process that I've been trying to use as much as possible.  She intially tried guiding me toward coming up with thoughts that directly contradicted the negative little ant-thoughts that pervade my brain on a daily basis.  This--perhaps not shockingly--had little to no effect and the thoughts kept on marching. 

So one day after a tear-filled admission of psychosis she handed me a notepad and told me to write down all of the proof I had that any of my fears and neuroses were justified. As expected, my list looked something like this:


[Insert blinking cursor]


This method was actually quite helpful.  It doesn't remove the thoughts or the anxiety, but it places a stopgap and keeps my anxiety from going from a 3 to a 9.  Instead it sits around a "healthy" 5 or 6. I don't know that it will ever go away, but dammit, I will try.  I owe it not only to myself, but to my husband and the people I love, to love myself and to be the best person I can be.  I hope I can reach that someday soon.

Are you all having a good week so far?

15 comments:

  1. Isn't it strange that we choose to let the positive comments go but hold onto the negative ones? I too am guilty of that.

    For what it's worth, I see you as an incredibly smart, beautiful, witty, fun and positive woman. Not awkward. Not inadequate. Perfectly you, and that person is pretty amazing.

    I feel lucky to "know" you. Just thought you should know.

    I hope you have the best day tomorrow. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. i'm having trouble putting the right words together right now, but danielle's comment above mine sums up what i want to say to you. i think you are a talented writer, a beautiful person, a loyal wife, and a hilarious and fun person to "know". i hope one day you can see yourself as that too.
    get a good night's sleep, eat a yummy breakfast in the morning, and channel positive thoughts! sending love your way!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i have to agree with danielle.
    i see you in the same light.
    i hope that as you continue to work on this, you'll see the same within yourself.

    i know it's not easy, but i'm sure there are so many lovely ladies who are here for you... including me!

    just know i think the world of you.
    ♥elisabeth

    ReplyDelete
  4. don't feel bad for "ignoring" your blog---it's your blog!!! I'm going to have to try the method your therapist suggested. Have you tried EMDR/bilaterals? They're quite amazing.

    http://breatheandhush.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think that you are an amazing woman and I am so thankful for all of the love and positive encouragement that you give me. I understand how you feel and I wish you peace in your mind and heart. You deserve all of the love and light this world has to offer. Be patient with yourself and forgiving as well, we all should. Have a great day and know that there are so many of us out here who adore you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. They key thing to remember, is you have to do it for yourself-- then by default Rob will benefit. I truly understand where you are coming from, just keep on chuggin along. The anxiety will ease up if you keep working at it, and the feelings of inadequacy will diminish.

    Sending you the good vibes. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. you always offer me the most positive comments, and i only hope i can do the same for you.

    i love your blog because you are so open and honest. i look forward to seeing new posts from you in my reader.

    i hope that today is a better one for you! some days when my boys are driving me to the brink of insanity, i have to remind myself to just take it one day at a time. that's all we can do. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ah, I have felt like I had a good grasp on my anxiety up until I got pregnant (unexpectedly) a few months ago. Now? Im a mess, and usually have resorted to a walking zombie just to get through my daily tasks. What a roller coaster ride it is huh

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh anxiety, I know how that goes.

    I hope you're feeling better. Sending all the good vibes I can muster your way. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh I hear you! Also, I think that's the point of life silly, to constantly improve and be better people--it doesn't just magically happen.:)

    A friend of mine recommended this book to me for similar evil thought processes, that she was using in some sessions with a cognitive behavioural therapist for severe anxiety. I've worked through some of the stuff in the workbook, and it's been super helpful. It basically puts forth the same process as the new one suggested to you, and uses a lot of examples and some questions/worksheets to work through why we feel a certain way with no reason.

    http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283


    Gillian

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's so true what you write about negative comments. They're like tiny mental slivers that embed themselves and even if you don't feel the sting right away, you will. I take too much too personally but it helps to get out of my head and look at the situation from the outside.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I know all too well the feelings of anxiety and depression. My doctor calls it Panic Disorder. I call it Fu-#$-ed up. Hang in there. Sounds like you have taken the right steps by seeing a therapist, which I have anxiety over just thinking about. xo, Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  13. good days and bad days right? and like danielle said, we tend to linger on the negative and not take the positive seriously, and some more than others.

    i think blogging and talking and being honest about who YOU are only helps though.

    you know what I think of ya :) i see an amazing, independant,unique, beautiful strong woman who has yet to discover that about herself. it took me awhile, and it also took me some life experiences to kick my thought process in the butt.

    love the truth in your posts. keep it coming ♥♥

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can totally, totally relate to this.

    If it helps, remember this isn't something that will be with you forever. You are working on a path that consists of lots of steps. Sometimes they're large steps and sometimes small, but each one of them will help you control how many times you feel this way in an hour, a day, a week, a month...a year. It helps me to remember that when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

    You are a strong, beautiful, passionate, funny, honest and amazing woman! I just know you're going to come out on the other side of this that much stronger.
    I'm just a text message away :)
    <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm definitely guilty of always letting little negative things get to me and imagine that people really dislike me when they *probably* don't. Good for you for working through it though, and don't ever think you're inadequate! You're a pretty badass girl from my perspective :)

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead and leave a comment! You know you want to.