I've been feeling a bit aimless lately, like there's some big, unknown event coming and I'm waiting in anticipation of it.
I realized that for the last few years, I had some upcoming or current event to keep my focus and to keep me in anticipation. In 2008, it was a new job, adulthood, bills. In 2009, it was another new job, being engaged, the birth of my niece. In 2010, it was the wedding and a stressful, time-consuming project at work.
As 2011 came the cacophony of the last three years evaporated instantly. Everything is quiet and at peace. I keep wondering, what's the next big thing?
I think a lot of people my age feel this aimlessness and I think that's when many of us scramble for babies. It just feels like the next big unavoidable step in the newfound quietness of life. Though I don't feel ready for children in the least, I find myself unconciously looking at baby clothes, reading birth stories, composing a birth plan in my head, considering how we would raise our children.
In part I think I have filled this quiet with tattoos, at least of late. As I struggle to figure out who I am they, along with my husband and my home, feel like the only "right" thing. Recently I've been considering a chest tattoo (with the words "Don't Think Twice" emblazoned on a banner betwixt two sparrows and several cabbage roses) and though I can come up with a billion and one reasons not to get one (stuffy job, formal events, etc.) my mind and my desire have not quieted.
By the way, I'm totally aware that I could've used at least three other words in place of "betwixted," but what can I say, I'm feeling creative.
Ultimately I think I need to learn to live in the quiet and to relish it. It's the day-to-day quiet that we miss the most when life is blaring loud music from a billion different sources around us. I know when Rob was gone the monotony of just sitting together, even without talking, was what I ached for.