Saturday, March 5, 2011

Unknown.

I've been feeling a bit aimless lately, like there's some big, unknown event coming and I'm waiting in anticipation of it.

I realized that for the last few years, I had some upcoming or current event to keep my focus and to keep me in anticipation. In 2008, it was a new job, adulthood, bills. In 2009, it was another new job, being engaged, the birth of my niece. In 2010, it was the wedding and a stressful, time-consuming project at work.

As 2011 came the cacophony of the last three years evaporated instantly. Everything is quiet and at peace. I keep wondering, what's the next big thing?

I think a lot of people my age feel this aimlessness and I think that's when many of us scramble for babies. It just feels like the next big unavoidable step in the newfound quietness of life. Though I don't feel ready for children in the least, I find myself unconciously looking at baby clothes, reading birth stories, composing a birth plan in my head, considering how we would raise our children.

In part I think I have filled this quiet with tattoos, at least of late. As I struggle to figure out who I am they, along with my husband and my home, feel like the only "right" thing. Recently I've been considering a chest tattoo (with the words "Don't Think Twice" emblazoned on a banner betwixt two sparrows and several cabbage roses) and though I can come up with a billion and one reasons not to get one (stuffy job, formal events, etc.) my mind and my desire have not quieted.

By the way, I'm totally aware that I could've used at least three other words in place of "betwixted," but what can I say, I'm feeling creative.

Ultimately I think I need to learn to live in the quiet and to relish it. It's the day-to-day quiet that we miss the most when life is blaring loud music from a billion different sources around us. I know when Rob was gone the monotony of just sitting together, even without talking, was what I ached for.

1 comment:

  1. I have trouble with stillness, too. Primarily stillness of the mind, but also a physical stillness, especially since this last deployment. My mind is buzzing in a thousand different ways and I find I'm multi-tasking even when I should be focused on one thing. It's disruptive and annoying!

    I think you're right...it's time to appreciate the quiet. Why is that easier said than done?

    ReplyDelete

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