Sunday, March 20, 2011

Thoughts on Trust

Something hit me the other day like a Mack truck.

I don't always, and fully, trust my husband.

To elaborate: my trust isn't something that he has ever (ever, ever, ever) violated or even suggested violating. But as I get older, and signs of aging creep up on me, I start to drive myself crazy with ideas that he'll leave me the second I turn 40 and can't keep my ass as perky as it is in my current 25-year-old body.

I know, I know, I'm 25 and I should enjoy my current body as much as possible. And truthfully the "signs of aging" aren't anything too extreme...just a slightly slower metabolism, spider veins and cellulite creeping around my thighs and ass...but they are reminders nonetheless. I know that one day, once we've had our children, my stomach won't be as tight, my knees as limber, my boobs and ass as perky...and the thought scares me.

As a result I end up torturing myself with bizarre ideas. I think things like, if we have sex enough then he won't feel the urge to stray, which of course makes me think too much about that and get far too stressed to feel remotely sexy. I work out partially because I want it to become a habit and therefore something I'll be more likely to do when I'm older, not so much because I'll be healthier.

This discussion came up a few days ago and Rob told me, "You have to trust me."
And I said, "I do trust you, but...no, you're right, I don't trust you. And that's not your fault."

I felt terrible about it, because how much more insulting could I get? It's basically saying, "I know we've been through hell and back together, but I'm still relatively sure you're only with me because I'm youthful and attractive." It was a big slap in the face to me because I realized how ridiculously I was acting.

He told me, "Just think of me as the only thing you don't have to worry about."

It's an issue that, now that I've identified it, I think I can work through. I feel very fortunate that I am able to speak so frankly about these things with my husband, who I can and should be able to trust with everything I have.

3 comments:

  1. This is the advantage to getting married when you're already old, like me and my husband! Kidding. (But we were both in our 30s when we got married.)

    I do think there is much too much focus on looks and "being young" in American culture. We are one of the only cultures that don't revere the elderly. Maybe because we take for granted that we'll live that long? I try to think of the signs of aging as "badges of experience".

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  2. I have these thoughts too sometimes. I may be a twig now but once I start having kids I know I will get fatter. So don't feel alone. Rob loves you very much and I don't think he would ever leave you because your looks change :) I have a big fear of growing older but that's made me realize to live life to it's fullest (along with my past experiences).

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  3. awww... "the only thing you don't have to worry about."

    so sweet.

    i have no advice, i'm in the same boat.

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