To Make Love Stay

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Losing the Battle

I fight them but the insidious negative thoughts fight their way in. I once again leverage the ant metaphor. It seems that for each ant you crush, 70 sprout up in its place. Eventually the effort it takes to even kill one ant becomes too much and I allow myself to be subsumed by the oncoming tide of ants.

Perhaps I've gone too far with this metaphor.

I feel myself shutting off, shutting down, not letting anything or anyone in. Every word, every action becomes cause for further withdrawal into myself.

All the therapeutic progress in the world can seemingly not keep it at bay, this tide of negative thoughts, self-conciousness and doubt. It doesn't matter how much love I'm shown, how many kind words I hear, the only ones that get through are the benign that somehow morph into expressions of hatred and hurt. It's like a constant, pulsing undertow that is always quietly waiting to sweep me under.

Far too many nature-based metaphors and similes here, you can say it.

It somehow turned into a rough night and it's no one's doing but my own.

Labor Day Camping (Heavy with Picture)

This weekend Rob, Megan, and I went camping with Rob's summer coworkers. I hadn't gone camping since I was 13 and we went to Virginia and DC with my family, so I was pretty excited. Rob and I even drove all the way to Augusta to get ourselves a tent (only $42 at Dick's!) and also ordered two brand-new sleeping bags from L.L. Bean.

I'll spare you all the details because pictures are generally better, but I'll share some of my verbal highlights:

//Hearing Amie read aloud from "The Guide to Getting it On" (best sex book ever, by the way) and all of us laughing like 12-year-olds.

//Driving to the lake and seeing beautiful sunny sky!

//Watching Sara and Tim's beast, Ollie, running around like a mad man and playing tug-of-war with a leash tied to a tree.

//Hanging out for a few hours at the campsite only to be drenched in rain and finding ourselves hiding in our tents. And getting to spend a few quality alone moments with my darling husband in our little tent shelter.

//Playing Never Have I Ever in the tent hiding from the rain with Amie, Megan and Robbie.

//Having maybe 20 minutes with a beautiful fire before the rain/thunder/lightning started up again.

//Eating a cheese-filled Oscar Meyer hot dog and singing the "Cheesy Blasters" theme song with Megan and Rob over and over and over.

//Hearing insanely loud thunder and intense rain all night long. Hearing an extremely loud (and close) thunderclap and instictively grabbing my husband's hand in fear. Felt good to know he was there :)

//Waking up to more rain and delicious breakfast sandwiches made by Amie!

//Taking my husband out on a date to celebrate how awesome he is...and because neither of us felt like cooking.

I hope you all had a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

In Defense of Social Media

I realized the other day that the blogosphere--at least the niche that I find myself in, anyway--is a lot like summer camp for the following reasons:

1. You spend most of your time around other girls.

2. When one person catches something, everyone catches something.

The "something" in my metaphor is not a cold or your period because your cycles sync up (I was a camper and a counselor at summer camp for years, it happens), but rather ideas, trends, thoughts, and feelings. And vintage clothes, but that's not really pertinent here.

I've noticed lately that a lot of bloggers that I subscribe to are talking about Internet detox, the stressful aspects of social networking, and self-doubt when it comes to blogs. In fact, this is hardly a recent phenomenon--it seems like as far back as I can remember bloggers have been blogging and tweeting about how stressful it is to keep blogging and tweetin, or completely eliminating accounts to avoid absent-minded surfing.

It's something that I have never really been able to fully relate to.

I am on the internet a lot. My job requires me to be on a computer for the entire 10-12 hours I'm usually working. As a result I usually have about 4 tabs open with Bloglovin, Twitter, my blog, and maybe Facebook. Even after work when Rob and I are sitting around watching TV we're usually on our computers--not avoiding each other, but sharing and communicating while we share and communicate with others.

A few weeks ago I was feeling kind of stressed about various things in my life and my therapist suggested that some of the stress might be coming from interactions with people on Facebook. So at her suggestion, I gave it up for a week. During that week I realized that there were a lot of things about Facebook I really enjoyed (getting to communicate with people I can't usually talk to easily, planning get-togethers) and that the source of all my stress came from the fact that I lacked the self-control to block or avoid those of my "friends" with toxic statuses or stressful interactions. Knowing full well that viewing their profiles could or would upset me, I still stalked their profiles and gave them the power to stress me out. I also realized that the benefits of social networking in this case far outweighed the probability of it stressing me out or upsetting me.

To me the internet, like anything else, isn't all or nothing. When I want to use the internet and tweet and blog, I do. When I don't want to, I don't. It's a big part of my life, but it's not my life. And if I stopped enjoying it, it's something that I could easily not do. Honestly, I think completely deleting an account or refusing to tweet or blog because I feel like I'm doing something wrong only gives it even greater control over me and my actions. Just like with anything in life, social media in moderation isn't in and of itself toxic; it's up to each of us to manage the power it has in our lives, whether that power be for good or for evil.

And isn't this true of "real" life, too? We don't have to completely avoid social interaction simply because these toxic influences exist, and it's up to each of us to take the initiative to clear our lives of toxic influences and friendships.

I hope, as usual, that nobody takes this as offensive. I understand that people have a variety of reasons for choosing to abstain from social networking, from crazy family members (I've had my share) to privacy concerns; I only sought to explain why I personally enjoy social networking and choose not to abstain, rather than to pass any judgement on any of my wonderful readers or to suggest that bloggers shouldn't write about these feelings. I pride myself on being pretty honest on here and I thought I would throw in my two cents on this particular issue.

I hope you all are having a great Labor Day weekend so far. Get out and enjoy the fresh air, but don't feel too guilty for catching up on blogs, tweets, and Facebook!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Flourish Giveaway Winner!

And ze winner is...

Congrats lady! So happy for you! Watch your inbox for an email from me :-)

Thanks everyone for entering! And if you really wanted a bracelet and didn't win, click here to peruse Danielle's shop!

(By the way, Heather and I have been friends since 2006 or so when we met through Xanga. She's an awesome lady and I love her to death!)

I have awesome blog friends!

It must be said.

Yesterday I received a lovely little package from Jessica over at TART with a friendship bracelet inside:

If you didn't notice, she even customized it to match my blog! It even came in a lovely pouch and a box with leopard-print duct tape! How awesome is that?

If you haven't checked out Jess's blog, you should do so right now. Hers was one of the first blogs I ~~totally stalked~~ started reading when I restarted blogging seriously a few months ago and I still adore it, and the lady behind it!

I have to say that this is one of the many reasons blogging makes me so happy--meeting kind and lovely people that I may not otherwise have known.

I hope you all have a marvelous Friday!

*Please forgive my chicken-skin arm and my baby wrists. Fall has finally hit here with 50 degree temperatures and needless to say, I'm chilly.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

That's a Good Band Name

Confession: I have a tendency to latch on to a particular phrase for anywhere from a month to several years. I'll find a way to work that phrase into just about any situation, including client meetings.

My husband and I said "shut it down!" about 70 times in reference to a friend of ours who was having relationship troubles the other day.

The most recent refrain to be heard in our house is, "That would be a great band name."

So far, here are our great band names:

1. Snuggling Scritious (one of Cypress's many nicknames)
2. Rumrunners, Bootleggers & Moonshiners (History Channel, what what?)
3. Fish Winterkill (Heard this at one of Rob's science geek presentationy things)
4. Source of Truth (I actually told a client this would be a good band name when he said it)
5. Masycoom (a good Captcha I got one day...I think this would be best for an Indie band)
6. Bitch Triangle (thanks Nova!)
7. Social Astronomy (my husband is a nerd and reads Discovery News every day)

If any of you are inspired to start a band you officially have my permission to use any of the above names. Except maybe the last one, that's not mine.

How is your week going? Any plans for the weekend? Rob and I are going camping this weekend with my sister and some friends and I am so excited.

Also, does anyone have any questions for me that could be answered in a vlog? I know I just requested questions a few weeks ago, but I really don't want to just talk about anything because trust me that would be dangerous.

Don't forget to enter my giveaway! Only one more day to enter!