Fitness, Food and New Chapters

If you've stuck around this blog long enough (thank you for those that do stick around, by the way; shit gets downright nutty up in here) you'll know that at any one time I'm usually having some sort of crisis of self in which I'm trying to figure out just what the hell I'm doing in life.  I always feel like I'm just about to latch onto The Answer, the thing that's going to help me get over my depression and anxiety hurdles and allow me to feel like a normal person.

Normality!

I don't have to tell most of you you that it's not really that easy. I'm of the mind that there's really no one answer to help us "deal with our shit" as the kids say; drugs and therapy can and do help, particularly when they're paired together, but ultimately the change has to come from within. This is part of the reason I went off anti-depressants a few years ago--the constant increasing of dosages and shifting of drugs and side effects weren't forcing or even allowing me to deal with either the root causes of my anxiety nor the manifestations. Anti-depressants kept me in a sort of numbed state, no better nor worse than I was before. If I stopped the pills for any period of time the anxiety and depression were waiting just around the corner to attack again.

I personally wasn't really capable of objectively evaluating my life and my anxiety, which is where therapy came in in a big way.  Therapy back in Maine helped me wade through a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and come to some measure of peace, or the closest thing I'd felt to peace in a long time.  I'm continuing the therapy train here and though I've only been to two sessions I'm already starting to feel even more grounded.

Now that I feel like I'm getting closer to feeling normal there are some changes that I really want to make, specifically surrounding my relationship with food and fitness.

Rob finds it interesting that I have almost an emotional relationship with food since he hardly has one at all outside of "get in my fucking mouth." Because of that he's able to eat relatively healthy food with a little bit of gross stuff every now and again.  Me, I love all junk food.  If I didn't have celiac disease I'd probably be eating Burger King for lunch today instead of peanut butter and jelly or leftover gluten-free pizza. That pretty Easter basket I made Rob a few weeks ago? I ate probably 80% of that candy without even realizing I was doing it.  I really want to work on my emotions surrounding food and learn how not to give into every craving my body has for sweet food.*

The second issue I'd like to deal with is how I approach fitness.  My struggles with the gym and with body dysmorphia have been well-documented here, but suffice it to say that my insecurity at the gym led to more hatred of myself, which led to more or less of a "fuck it" mentality when it came to drudging up motivation to work out. Now that I'm reaching my mid-to-late twenties, I've come to the realization that habits like eating healthier and staying fit start now and could be harder to approach as I get older.  I want to be strong and to take care of my body so that it will take care of me into my droopy old age.

Rob and I talked at length about the fitness part of it, since going to the gym was basically not an option because of the anxiety it gave me and the subsequently increased chance of burning out quickly.  He suggested I buy a Jillian Michaels DVD (specifically "Ripped in 30") and start out here at home.  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders--not only did I not have to worry about finding a new gym, I could do an extremely effective workout program at home to help gain confidence and maybe one day go to a gym.  I ordered it online and I should get it by Monday, at which time my friend Justine and I plan on keeping each other accountable (read: guilty, because that's my main motivator) to do the workouts every day, no matter how tired or sore we may be from the day before.

I know this may sound schmaltzy but I'm really excited to start a new phase of my own personal therapy and get my body to a place where I am proud of it (and keep it there).  It's time to get the fuck off my ass, stop staring at the Internet all day and do something physical.  Anyway let's face it, our bodies are far too awesome to not take care of them the best we can.

I'd love to hear any tips from you guys about food issues or fitness.  And if you made it through that jumble of thoughts props to you! It's been a long morning.

*Funny story: when I worked at a hospital right out of college I craved sweet food so often that my coworkers suggested I get tested for diabetes. Luckily I didn't have it but the celiac diagnosis came just a year later.

Caitlin vs. Gym and Exercise

I'm going to go ahead and say it: I get stressed out about going to the gym and, in a broader sense, exercising.

There are several reasons for this.

I think part of my hatred of exercising is the fact that when I am not instantly good at something, I give up on it and throw my hands up in frustration.  I've always been obnoxiously very competitive so I tend to lash out--either at myself or at others--if I'm not succeeding and excelling at whatever I am trying to do, be it exercising or learning a new language.

The other problem I have is that I'm so afraid that if I'm not good at exercising I am ipso facto a weak and certainly lazy person. I also get bogged down in the fear that Rob will fall out of love with me if I don't take care of myself physically, or that he will find someone (like this girl or this girl, both of whom he finds attractive) who shares his love of exercising and will leave me.  Not particularly fair but I guess it goes without saying in my crazy brain.  This cycle of thinking leads me to the inevitable "why bother?" attitude which just makes me even angrier at myself and even less likely to go to the gym or go running.

And the center of the shrubbery maze that is my dysfunction is that I am excellent at absolutely mind-f*cking myself (if you'll pardon the phrase).  I am one of the only people I know who does better mentally while running on a treadmill rather than running outside.  If I am running an actual distance and know how much further I have, I get tired instantly and can convince myself to stop or slow down.  I finally figured out that if I run on the treadmill, blast music at a volume far higher than normal and cover up the amount of time that's gone by I do much better.  How bizarre is that?

You know the other thing that works with me, shockingly enough? Guilt and shame.  Today I was feeling ashamed of myself for wanting an iPhone even though I just got a new phone a year ago (in my defense, the current phone is close to malfunctioning and won't let me download any apps) so I decided as "punishment" I'd force myself to go out into the cold, drive to the gym, and run a 9-minute mile.  I did it (admittedly slowing down for about 5-6 seconds) and I felt proud and sweaty, but I imagine I'll have the same battle to fight tomorrow.

I want to be good at going to the gym, I want to love running.  I want to get healthy so that my body pays me in kind when I get old. There's just some constant mental block that I am having a damn hard time overcoming. I get pissy and frustrated when I can't run more than a mile without feeling like my heart is going to explode, and if I stand in one place too long (like when I am working with free weights) I get bored and annoyed.   Rob, on the other hand, loves the gym and loves exercising.  I think if he couldn't exercise he'd quite literally go insane.  It's his release and how he gets out any nervous or uptight energy.  I get that. I just wish it held true for me.

I guess my hatred of the gym and exercising is (surprise!) an extension of the hatred I have for myself and for my body.  I doubt I'm alone in any of these aspects, but sometimes I sort of wish the hatred would magically transform itself into a never-ending well of motivation to do better, to work out harder, rather than to give up and go home and read blogs.

I'm sorry there isn't much coherence to this post.  This has just been on my mind for awhile--since I bought a very expensive membership to our gym--and I kind of wanted to get it out there. Kudos if you made it through my word vomit!

How do you get motivated to exercise?