Last-of-October Bits and Pieces

Since I don't currently possess the ability to form a coherent post (I'm 3 days away from my trip home, eeee!) I'm going to bore you all with another bits & pieces post.

1. Last Friday I visited Michelle and Chad at their home for a dinner party! They made a delicious squash and quinoa soup with gluten-free cornbread...both were delish and I was so grateful that they were willing to come up with such a great gluten-free meal.  Also at this dinner extravaganza were Danielle, Henry and Hank and Adie and Addison.  So awesome to finally meet so many bloggers that I've admired from a (very far) distance!  After dinner Michelle, Chad and I chilled by the fireplace until 9:30 or so, when my sister came into town and I had to meet up with her at the hotel.  Thanks a million times to Michelle and Chad for the yummy dinner and for all of them for putting up with my overwhelming awkwardness.

2. On Saturday my sister Megan and I drove to the Grand Canyon for round 2.  I must say that it's just as amazing the second time, especially when you decide to splurge at the gift shop.

Words can't express how morbidly excited I am to read this book I bought:

I wish I could've taken Megan to Sedona and Jerome, but she had to get back to the other campus in Florida for the week.  I was so glad she could come at all and that we got to share a few drinks and 30 Rock together.

3. I met up with another blogger, Sara, on Sunday at a local health food store.  Sara and her husband both eat gluten-free, so I always know I'm safe when they recommend a place to eat. :) I had such a good time chatting with Sara about anything and everything.  Turns out we have a ton in common and were soon talking like old friends.  There's a picture she took of us (beware, I am without makeup) on her blog here, so you should check it out and follow her.  We went out again last night to Macayo's and she helped save my sanity from a rather insane day (the giant margarita helped also).  I hope I can meet up with her again at some point. :)

4. I've been feeling a little disillusioned with blogging lately as I've encountered more...I don't know, negativity? I guess? It's not so much negativity as it is people taking blogging, and themselves, so damn seriously. I'm also frustrated at the fact that I can't really vent about it on my blog without being accused of blogging negativity myself.  Alright, I'm done whining.

5. You should all check out my new and existing sponsors on the right-hand side.  Just saying.

6. I bought some new cardigans and things at Target and I'm loving the fall colors:

7.  Did I mention that I have only 3 days until I begin my journey home?  Let me say that this just cannot come fast enough.  I'm ready to sleep in my own bed and not deal with having a marriage-by-phone.  The last few days have been really rough on me and as awesome as Arizona has been, it can never surpass home.  Even though home is currently around 40 degrees and saw a huge snowstorm last weekend.

8. Have you entered the hand-stamped card and gift tag giveaway yet?

I hope you all have a great week!

Progress

So this last week and a half or so was pretty rough emotionally.  I won't get into it but I had another trust-related anxiety attack related to being gone, and not being able to spend time with my angel of a husband. It happens a lot when we're separated, unfortunately.  I'm just consumed with this fear that if I'm gone he'll find someone else and abandon me.

But this time I had 3-4 months of therapy on my side.  When I felt myself slipping into negative, all-consuming thoughts I printed off an Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) worksheet and filled out the whole thing.   It allowed me to stop and examine each of my thoughts for rationality (surprise, they were all irrational), and replace them with rational ones.  I was still feeling a little iffy and anxious, so I reread this post that I wrote in July (and your amazing comments) and felt a lot better.  I was able to talk to Rob a lot more coherently and didn't feel nearly the same level of anxiety. My baseline is around a 3 or 4 so I was doing pretty well.

THEN the situation that was "activating" these anxious thoughts changed and I won't lie, I came completely undone. My anxiety level was at a 7 or 8, I was shaking and completely depersonalizing. But simultaneously my mind was questioning itself and asking why on earth I was feeling so awful at something so trivial--and trivial it was.  I had this bizarre emotional dichotomy going on in my mind and I was quickly vacillating between emotions. I felt like I was going totally insane. I printed off the REBT worksheet and filled it out.  Then I printed off another and filled it out again.  I talked through all my feelings with Rob, and the next day with my therapist over instant message.  I felt so much more grounded, and when something happened that normally would've sent me into an anxious frenzy I barely gave it another thought.  And though this panic attack was worse than it had been before, it felt like growing pains rather than a step backward.  Does that make sense?

So it was a bumpy little side road I took, but I made it to the other side instead of crashing into a ditch.  Pardon the tortured metaphor.  Personally I call this progress and, at the risk of sounding silly, I was pretty damn proud of myself for this small accomplishment.  It also reminded me that these anxious thoughts and fear will likely never totally disappear and that it really takes work to get rid of them.  It's a lot easier to disconnect, to disengage, and to feel sorry for myself. With all the support I have, I think that I am finally willing and able to do what it takes to get myself into a healthy emotional place.

Have you been stressing about anything lately?  Have you ever tried Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy?

Also, my sister is here, and we're spending Saturday at the Grand Canyon.  Again.  Yep, that's right...I will have officially been to the Grand Canyon twice.  You can contact me for autographs.

Lady in Waiting

Thank you all again for being so patient with my posts.  It bugs me that I used to post daily and now post only every few days or so.  Training is finally dying down though, and I'm down to my last two weeks in Arizona.  My mind is fried after hours of talking about databases so if this post is incoherent, I apologize.

I've been thinking a lot about remaining present in the moment and trying my best to enjoy my time here.  When Rob was in the Army, either at garrison in Alaska or in Iraq, I was always counting down to the next time we saw each other.  I was basically living my life always in waiting.  I turned down invitations to events, didn't attend meetings, and mostly just sat in my room watching episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I think I assumed that life without Rob wasn't really worth my time, and that if I just put my head down and toughed it out I'd eventually see him and life would be bright again.

As you can imagine this is hardly a way to live.

Fast forward to today and I find myself reverting to this same behavior when I'm on projects.  I was in Cleveland for 9 months with some amazing people, and rather than venturing out and finding new restaurants and new sights I was usually the one pushing Chipotle dinners and early nights.  Hiding in my room felt safe and it felt right.  

I was discussing this with my therapist, telling her that I like hiding out in my "den" (usually a hotel room), watching 30 Rock or Family Guy or some other show that doesn't require me to think or to be anxious.  I also started to tell her a few stories from my various travels and realized that (insert gasp) I can create memories and life experiences even when I am not with Rob.  I have grown somewhat emotionally dependent on Rob over the years given my insecurity and his unfailing strength (the man is seriously a rock) and I think in a lot of cases, I've looked to him to give meaning to my life and my experiences.

She told me this was a common trait among patients with PTSD, the search for a "rescuer."  Essentially you put all your focus and hopes and dreams and insecurity on this one person hoping they'll save you from the instability of your own self.  It wasn't something I would've imagined myself doing because it seemed rather...I don't know, weak I suppose.  I realized how fortunate I was to find someone who didn't seek to exploit my weakness or manipulate me.  

To avoid the "den" line of thinking, my therapist asked me to come up with a list of "To Dos" while I was in Arizona for the month.

Though I've made a point to venture out and see new things (I've already been to the three places everyone told me to go) I still find myself slipping into my old ways.  Last weekend all I wanted to do was to huddle in my bed, read blogs, and watch 30 Rock episodes until it was time to sleep...but I didn't.  I got up early and drove to Jerome.  I walked around, I took pictures, and I walked into places that seem interesting to me.  I flew in a goddamn helicopter in Sedona, admiring the beautiful rock formations and brilliant colors.  

And you know what? I had a great time, even if Robbie wasn't by my side.  Sure, it would've been even better had he been there and sure, I'd rather be home with him than out and about any day of the week.  But that doesn't mean I should shortchange myself and become a hermit until we come together again.  I only have one life to live and realistically, Rob cannot be surgically sewed to my side for the entirety of it (as horrifyingly awesome as that would be).  Right now I'm in one of the prettiest places in the country expense-free and dammit, I should appreciate that experience.  I only hope that I'm doing it justice.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Thank you once again for putting up with my anxiety-ridden ramblings...you are all just amazing.