On Trying Not to Stagnate

Isn't it interesting how you can feel so inspired and on solid ground, then almost as quickly find yourself once again in a rut?

This is so stupid, but I lost a few followers recently and, as Rob said, "you're stressing far too much about your blog."  I don't know about you, friends, but I take that shit personally and imagine all the things people must be thinking or saying about what I write or how badly I do it or what I could do better.

I could turn this into your typical I-only-blog-for-me-who-cares-what-you-think post, but like me you guys have read tens of thousands of them and thus I shall spare you.

In a lot of ways I feel like I want to take what I write to the next level and I have no idea what the hell that means or how to go about fixing it.  Every time I write I feel like I run into a wall in turns of quality and competence, a wall I can't seem to circumvent.  As a result I settle for mediocre content that isn't thoughtful or interesting because it's easier than trying to identify what could be improved and then, you know, doing that thing (case in point, I suppose).

I don't necessarily want to monetize the blog or write professionally, at least at this point, but writing is something that I genuinely enjoy doing.  I'd like to actually improve at something I do for once rather than stagnating again for fear of failure as I've done many times.  Stagnating is, after all, much easier than actually trying.

Anyway there are my ramblings about writing for the night, and I thank you for listening to them.

As a side note, I'm thinking of sharing the short story I just wrote (eee!) here.  I personally have mixed feelings about fiction on blogs, so I'm eager to hear your honest opinions regarding whether you'd have any interest in reading it or not.

Finally, for those of you wondering, our day today was much better and I will share it with you soon.  Still no luggage though.

In Which I Rant About Writing and Other Nonsense

I have had this fucking nagging urge to write lately.  It has been driving me totally insane, like an itch I can't scratch or a vague memory of something I forgot to grab before leaving the house.  The problem is I simply don't have anything I can just write, write, write about.  It's all been written, and that's part of the reason that I've basically just been writing variations on the same theme over and over for the last few weeks; that theme, of course, is "here's what I did today, with a smattering of swear words and self-deprecating humor and maybe a photo of my dog's eyebrows."

I've been perusing various blog posts that have whole lists of things to write about, but I wasn't sure how I could sneak in a post about "my most embarrassing moment" or "the hardest decision I ever had to make" and still sound like me and have it be something that anyone would actually want to read.

I thought of writing a how-to post,  but then I realized that I am completely unversed in every single one of the things within the repertoire of what most bloggers write how-tos about.  I don't paint my nails because I end up constantly splaying my fingers out and generally behaving like a dog in a restrictive sweater.  I rarely put forth the effort to put anything on my face minus far too much chapstick. I spontaneously shaved my head two weeks ago so I can't show you the secret to making that top knot that the kids all seem to like. My outfits are mostly comprised of the cleanest items I can most easily locate in my floordrobe within 5 seconds. I have no desire to thrift furniture and varnish it (is that a thing?) so that it looks older than it was to begin with, nor do I even know how you go about doing such a thing (minus haphazard pencil scrawlings and some well-placed chewed gum, maybe?).

FUCKING PICTURE OF CANDLES BECAUSE PICTURES BREAK UP THE TEXT AND MAKE YOU LIKE MY BLERG

I thought of writing about marriage, or anxiety, or depression, or how awkward I am and how my clothes don't fit me anymore because I'm losing weight from stress but this all just the same shit you guys read from me every single post and frankly, I just feel bad doing that to you and annoyed with myself for failing so handily at being creative.

This happens every few months or so, this futile struggle against my own brain and my own fears of inadequacy.  I know the words are in me, but at this point they're floating about uselessly like...I don't fucking know, cereal in milk I guess? DO YOU SEE WHERE MY BRAIN IS RIGHT NOW?!

I guess things have gotten so frustrating that I've resorted to writing about thoughts I have while dish washing or just writing about writing, and here we are, the center of the shrubbery maze that is my dysfunction.   Truly, though, I hope you take this post in the spirit it was intended, and, I don't know, give me some suggestions for content or vicious criticism or something.

I wish you all a magical Tuesday filled with love, light, and delicious grilled cheese sandwiches.

Things I Don't Want You to Know

I'm sure you guys have seen this meme out and about, Things I Don't Want you to Know. I probably don't have to explain that it's just another type of confession post, so let's get right to the good stuff.

1. I talk to myself to drown out thoughts.  Sometimes I'm reminded of something really stupid I said or did, and it sits in my head torturing me until I can find a way to drown it out.  So I might hum or say something loudly to kind of "jar" it out of my head.  I'm not crazy, I swear.

2. When I get scared I instinctively grab my boobs.  Pretty self explanatory.  The "scared" I'm talking about mostly refers to the "surprised" form of scared, for example, if a spider or lizard runs in front of me.  I always go straight for the boobs.

3. I'm an emotional cryer.  When I get angry, sad, scared, etc. I cry.  It's just what I do.  Especially if someone yells at me.

4. I read Get off My Internets.  For those of you who don't know, Get off My Internets (shortened to GOMI) is a website mostly based around calling bloggers out on shit. There are two parts to the site, the main blog and the forum.  The forum is often--though not always--just a place for cranky people to be anonymously mean. Let me be clear that I neither endorse nor condone the body snark, personal comments about someone's religion or parenting, or really anything that's outside the realm of blogging, but like any free place in the internet you're going to get some hop-ons.  However, I will say that the writers on the main blog (and a select few of the people that write in the forum) often make some very valid points about blogging and I think their voice deserves to be heard.  I think in the blogging community we've created a very insular, sanitized environment where bloggers are free from criticism, even in the case of blatant deception, cruelty, racism, classism, failure to cop to privilege, taking themselves far too seriously, or just totally lacking self-awareness.  Sometimes bloggers say and do some really shitty things, and anyone who comes close to calling them out on their own blogs often gets dismissed or censored. I think that in this way GOMI can a valuable voice and counter-balance through which bloggers to learn what not to do or what can leave a bad impression with some readers.  That isn't to say it's gospel, or that everyone there is always correct or fair, just that I do not believe it is not something that is universally negative or that should be completely suppressed.  Phew, did that make sense? I'm aware of the potential of losing readers by posting this, but I've been trying to be as real as possible with you guys and there it is.

So what don't you want your readers to know? If you do this go ahead and leave me the link in a comment.

Fear, Writing, & My True Self

I admit that I feel silly for writing yet another post about blogging.  Ever since I started blogging somewhat more seriously I've struggled to find a voice and a consistent blogging trend.  Instead of a woven tapestry I feel like I just have a pile of frayed threads, if you'll pardon my tortured metaphor.

The post I wrote yesterday about Rob's camel spider experience was different from my normal blog post in a few ways.  For one, I included foul language, and I didn't apologize for the somewhat gruff tone of the story.  I figured out that after I wrote it that that story, and the tone of it, was far more me than a lot of my posts.

I don't know if you can discern this from my blog posts or tweets, but I swear in real life a lot.  I have a pretty disgusting sense of humor and more often than not I say things that probably shouldn't be said in polite company.  I drink alcohol on a semi-regular basis--though rarely to excess--pee with the door open, and fart loudly in front of my husband.  Rob and I had a discussion about our table the other day that quickly devolved into a discussion about sex positions, and that's more or less a daily occurrence in our house.

Since I started actively connecting with other bloggers I've noticed that I've toned down my normal voice a lot.  There have been times that I've wanted to share with you a conversation like the one above because it made me laugh, or question some aspect of life or blogging, but haven't for fear that I'd lose followers or get a nasty comment.   This fear of confrontation causes me to take an opinion or a thought that I may have and water it the hell down with apologies and scare quotes, or just avoid writing the post at all.

I don't blame anyone in the blogging world for this--some people are turned off by swearing or crudeness, and the blogs I read are probably comprised of more people that are like this than not.  And it's no one's doing but my own that I'm too scared to just say shit I think. It frustrates me that I let something like the number of followers or comments dictate what I do and do not share, and it frustrates me that I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I feel like I can't share it with you for fear I won't be "accepted."  I'm getting to the point now, though, where I'm starting to think it's better to feel more comfortable writing honestly and risk offending than hand wring over word choice in order to please everyone.

This isn't to say that I'd rather write disgusting, offensive posts all the time, just that I want to apologize less for having an opinion or a thought or sharing something silly that might not be palatable to everyone.  I guess I'm hoping to orient this space more inward rather than writing for what I imagine everyone wants to hear.

Am I making sense?  Do any of you feel this way sometimes?

More Thoughts on Blogging from a Reader and a Writer

I've been in a blogging funk lately.  And I wish I had a nickel for every time I've typed that here because I think all of my money stress would evaporate.

The difference between this funk and past ones, however, is that I'm feeling it in writing and reading.

Let's start with the writing, since that's the easiest to...well, write about, I guess. I feel like with every post I'm trying too hard.  Trying to stand out, to seem interesting, to catch the eye of somebody new.  I feel like many of the posts that are intended to be genuine come across as self-serving and whiny.  I'm trying too hard because the inspiration is gone and I'm relatively sure that is 100% obvious to anyone who reads. It's interesting that the harder you try the harder it is to write anything genuine.

Now on to the reading.  I'll begin by saying a couple of things: first, I know many others have written posts similar to this one so I'm probably a bit late to the party.  Second, I don't begrudge other bloggers for what they choose to write about. Your blog is your own and you should be able to say or post whatever the hell you want to.  This isn't to say that people shouldn't disagree or offer differing viewpoints if they are invited; I'm of the mind that congenial disagreement only serves to enliven the writing and reading process.  My issue recently is that sometimes what a blogger chooses to write just isn't something that interests me, which is more an issue with me and my interests than with the blogger since I am perfectly capable of just not reading what that particular person has to write (which is one reason why I think that websites/blogs devoted to hating on blogs are kind of pointless).  I'm sure there are plenty of people who have come to my blog once or twice, or many times, and decided that I'm not producing anything that holds any interest for them.

I'm not out to dictate, nor am I qualified to dictate, what people should and shouldn't write about.  I know that I don't want to be pressured into writing about something that makes me uncomfortable or doesn't move my blog in a direction I want to go. At this point, I just find myself gravitating more toward people who share their lives with me.

Lately I have found myself passing over most--though certainly not all--outfit posts, link-ups, DIYs, or Etsy treasuries in favor of posts about someone's day, or a weak period someone may be going through, or a strong one.  Not to belabor my point or my fear of offending someone, but this isn't to say that there's anything wrong with a few outfit posts, link-ups, DIYs, or Etsy treasuries now and then...they just aren't something I as a reader find inspiring anymore. I read a post recently advising bloggers not to write personal posts because it's unprofessional and unfocused, and while that is certainly a valid way to run a blog, it personally made me kind of sad.  For my sake, and because of my personal interests, I hope that bloggers aren't pulling away from delving into their personal lives.  For me, and I grant that I always could be alone or in the minority, that's always what this has been about.

I'm kind of at a point in blogging, I suppose, where it's time to start clearing out my reading list and stop reading blogs just to read them. I also want to become a better and more robust commenter, rather than the drivel I've been producing lately (which I apologize for).  Because I'm relatively unsure of exactly what I want to do, the process just ends up being frustrating and exhausting (first world problems, amiright? I feel like such a whiny ass for writing this).

I hope I don't seem as though I think I have all the answers in blogging or that I'm judging others. Lord knows that most days I slam my head on the keyboard or take a photo of myself in pajamas and call it a day. I'm really grateful that I've met so many amazing people through this blog and I hope to continue the friendships that I have developed.

I don't think I could stop writing so I'm not trying to throw a pity party, but I might end up pulling away to some extent to figure out just what the hell is the deal with my funk.

I hope you're all having a wonderful Friday.

Thoughts on Sponsoring and Blogs and Things

Well, after two months of having a sponsorship program, and after four or five months of sponsoring other blogs, I think it's time to take a little hiatus.

I would like to say that this is borne of some great realization about life and how I don't need readers to feel validated in my writing and such, but the vain truth is I love you guys and I love reading your comments, and love reading what you write on your own blogs.

Truthfully I'm feeling a little bogged down in the blogging rigamarole (yes, I'm 70 years old).  I feel like I'm commenting just for the sake of commenting and I feel like I'm following blogs that I just plain don't enjoy anymore.  Kaelah once referred to it as a "blogging circle jerk"; pardon the lewd phrase but I think it's the best way to describe it.

This is probably a douchey thing to admit, but sometimes I feel the need to read "bigger" blogs just because they have a lot of followers but not because I enjoy their content, if that makes sense.  Does anyone else do that?  I really hope I don't offend anyone here.  I also don't want to pass judgement on people who do decide to sponsor blog or maintain sponsorship programs. It's an awesome aspect of blogging, it's just not for me right now.

I don't mean to make a comment on anyone's blog specifically--I think my tastes and what I want are changing slightly and as a result I've taken a good hard look at my blog reader to determine what blogs and blog posts I most enjoy.  

I'm still going to write, and I will keep current sponsorships up through November.  I want to just get back to writing and immersing myself in the community.  I think I became too immersed in the logistics and it kept me from enjoying what is really awesome about blogging.

So, no more sponsorships (minus the ones I've paid ahead for) for the next month or couple of months.  I hope you all still read because I love getting to know you.

Have a great weekend, friends!

Some Letters I've Been Meaning to Write

Wow, I haven't done this feature in awhile, eh?  Monday just seems like the perfect day to write hypothetical letters to various forces in your life.

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Dear Cypress,

Thank you for your enthusiastic greeting on Saturday upon my arrival.  Belly rubs and excited whining are the absolute best.  I'm also glad you enjoy your AngryBirds dog toy.

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Dear Maine,

You know how today it is 60 degrees and sunny, despite the fact that it is November? THIS is what I've been trying to tell you.  More of THIS in the winter and less SNOW and COLD.  

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Dear Eastern Time Zone,

Daylight Savings Time was created for farmers.  Most of us do not farm. Can we just quit with these shenanigans and change Maine's time zone so it's not dark at 4pm anymore?

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Dear Arizona,

Thank you for being such a hospitable host.  Now please ask your illustrious governor to cut the racism and to also stop defunding state parks.  /politicalrant

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Dear Cypress's Dew Claw,

I don't know what you do exactly but I don't appreciate your presence.  Especially because you are growing far too long and Cypress won't let us cut her nails (and I'm too scared to).  So, stop growing or disappear entirely please.  

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Dear Writer's Block,

Please cut it out.  This is annoying. And I'm resorting to writing fake letters.

Last-of-October Bits and Pieces

Since I don't currently possess the ability to form a coherent post (I'm 3 days away from my trip home, eeee!) I'm going to bore you all with another bits & pieces post.

1. Last Friday I visited Michelle and Chad at their home for a dinner party! They made a delicious squash and quinoa soup with gluten-free cornbread...both were delish and I was so grateful that they were willing to come up with such a great gluten-free meal.  Also at this dinner extravaganza were Danielle, Henry and Hank and Adie and Addison.  So awesome to finally meet so many bloggers that I've admired from a (very far) distance!  After dinner Michelle, Chad and I chilled by the fireplace until 9:30 or so, when my sister came into town and I had to meet up with her at the hotel.  Thanks a million times to Michelle and Chad for the yummy dinner and for all of them for putting up with my overwhelming awkwardness.

2. On Saturday my sister Megan and I drove to the Grand Canyon for round 2.  I must say that it's just as amazing the second time, especially when you decide to splurge at the gift shop.

Words can't express how morbidly excited I am to read this book I bought:

I wish I could've taken Megan to Sedona and Jerome, but she had to get back to the other campus in Florida for the week.  I was so glad she could come at all and that we got to share a few drinks and 30 Rock together.

3. I met up with another blogger, Sara, on Sunday at a local health food store.  Sara and her husband both eat gluten-free, so I always know I'm safe when they recommend a place to eat. :) I had such a good time chatting with Sara about anything and everything.  Turns out we have a ton in common and were soon talking like old friends.  There's a picture she took of us (beware, I am without makeup) on her blog here, so you should check it out and follow her.  We went out again last night to Macayo's and she helped save my sanity from a rather insane day (the giant margarita helped also).  I hope I can meet up with her again at some point. :)

4. I've been feeling a little disillusioned with blogging lately as I've encountered more...I don't know, negativity? I guess? It's not so much negativity as it is people taking blogging, and themselves, so damn seriously. I'm also frustrated at the fact that I can't really vent about it on my blog without being accused of blogging negativity myself.  Alright, I'm done whining.

5. You should all check out my new and existing sponsors on the right-hand side.  Just saying.

6. I bought some new cardigans and things at Target and I'm loving the fall colors:

7.  Did I mention that I have only 3 days until I begin my journey home?  Let me say that this just cannot come fast enough.  I'm ready to sleep in my own bed and not deal with having a marriage-by-phone.  The last few days have been really rough on me and as awesome as Arizona has been, it can never surpass home.  Even though home is currently around 40 degrees and saw a huge snowstorm last weekend.

8. Have you entered the hand-stamped card and gift tag giveaway yet?

I hope you all have a great week!

Bits & Pieces from the last Few Weeks

I know I've posted huge posts about my various Arizona adventures, but truthfully I miss writing posts about what I'm thinking and feeling, especially because I've been having some pretty strong emotions lately and have been doing some little fun things here and there that don't really require a whole post.  So here are a few bits and pieces from my last week to give a bit of an update:

1. Last week I went out to eat with Michelle and her husband Chad. I've been reading Michelle's blog for awhile so I was pretty excited to meet both her and Chad.  In addition, we decided to do a giveaway from their shop, Funk Off!, so I'm trying out some of their products in preparation (spoiler alert: I love them so far!)!  I was nervous about meeting them because, as you all probably could have predicted, I imagined that they would find me as awkward and obnoxious as I find myself.  I had a great time though and I really hope we can hang out again before I leave in November!

2. So last week was rough. And I mean rough. I was running around all day long trying to figure out schedules, trainers, preparation, security, and databases and by the end of the day I felt like I was 100 years old.  I seriously fell asleep every night at around 9.  I was working 12-13 hours every day and it doesn't look like that will change any time soon.  I didn't feel like myself all week long; I felt completely exhausted--physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Combine that with the fact that Rob doesn't communicate particularly well over the phone and you have a pretty stressed-out Caitlin.  Plus there was another frustrating bit of news that I won't go into here that just caused me to feel really off.  My counselor is awesome and agreed to do a counseling session over IM which helped a lot. We talked about my tendency to micromanage and how I need to learn how to give up control of other peoples' actions.  All I can do is the best job I can, control my own actions, and hope for the best.

3. I was quite proud of myself last week when I was having a particularly bad panic attack and managed to calm myself down all on my own.  I woke up at 3 a.m. stressing out, and asked myself, "Is this an appropriate level of anxiety for the worst case scenario?" I knew the answer was no, so I again asked myself what situation the anxiety would be appropriate for.  Since my only answer to that was death or natural disaster my mind calmed slightly and I was able to get another 12 minutes of sleep until my alarm went off.  Yay, progress!

4. I bit the bullet and bought a Macbook Pro.  My PC that I use for work literally FELL APART last week and for a bit was not even booting up, so I knew it was time for a new computer.  I've been aching for a Mac and have only hesitated because the software I use for my work doesn't operate on Macs.  I figured this was a stupid reason given the availability of Boot Camp and the like so I went for it.  And I am extremely excited.  I even had it sent to me here in Arizona so I didn't have to delay.  Now I just need to build my savings back up...

I wish you all a wonderful week.  An thanks, as always, for reading.  Your comments always make me so happy even if I don't always (okay never) get to reply to them.  If you attach your email to your account so I can reply by email I'll be much better, I promise. <3