Caitlin vs. Gym and Exercise

I'm going to go ahead and say it: I get stressed out about going to the gym and, in a broader sense, exercising.

There are several reasons for this.

I think part of my hatred of exercising is the fact that when I am not instantly good at something, I give up on it and throw my hands up in frustration.  I've always been obnoxiously very competitive so I tend to lash out--either at myself or at others--if I'm not succeeding and excelling at whatever I am trying to do, be it exercising or learning a new language.

The other problem I have is that I'm so afraid that if I'm not good at exercising I am ipso facto a weak and certainly lazy person. I also get bogged down in the fear that Rob will fall out of love with me if I don't take care of myself physically, or that he will find someone (like this girl or this girl, both of whom he finds attractive) who shares his love of exercising and will leave me.  Not particularly fair but I guess it goes without saying in my crazy brain.  This cycle of thinking leads me to the inevitable "why bother?" attitude which just makes me even angrier at myself and even less likely to go to the gym or go running.

And the center of the shrubbery maze that is my dysfunction is that I am excellent at absolutely mind-f*cking myself (if you'll pardon the phrase).  I am one of the only people I know who does better mentally while running on a treadmill rather than running outside.  If I am running an actual distance and know how much further I have, I get tired instantly and can convince myself to stop or slow down.  I finally figured out that if I run on the treadmill, blast music at a volume far higher than normal and cover up the amount of time that's gone by I do much better.  How bizarre is that?

You know the other thing that works with me, shockingly enough? Guilt and shame.  Today I was feeling ashamed of myself for wanting an iPhone even though I just got a new phone a year ago (in my defense, the current phone is close to malfunctioning and won't let me download any apps) so I decided as "punishment" I'd force myself to go out into the cold, drive to the gym, and run a 9-minute mile.  I did it (admittedly slowing down for about 5-6 seconds) and I felt proud and sweaty, but I imagine I'll have the same battle to fight tomorrow.

I want to be good at going to the gym, I want to love running.  I want to get healthy so that my body pays me in kind when I get old. There's just some constant mental block that I am having a damn hard time overcoming. I get pissy and frustrated when I can't run more than a mile without feeling like my heart is going to explode, and if I stand in one place too long (like when I am working with free weights) I get bored and annoyed.   Rob, on the other hand, loves the gym and loves exercising.  I think if he couldn't exercise he'd quite literally go insane.  It's his release and how he gets out any nervous or uptight energy.  I get that. I just wish it held true for me.

I guess my hatred of the gym and exercising is (surprise!) an extension of the hatred I have for myself and for my body.  I doubt I'm alone in any of these aspects, but sometimes I sort of wish the hatred would magically transform itself into a never-ending well of motivation to do better, to work out harder, rather than to give up and go home and read blogs.

I'm sorry there isn't much coherence to this post.  This has just been on my mind for awhile--since I bought a very expensive membership to our gym--and I kind of wanted to get it out there. Kudos if you made it through my word vomit!

How do you get motivated to exercise?

What I Honestly Wore Wednesday

Yep, it's that time again folks: the moment in the week where you get to feel superior about your fashion choices!

Without further ado, here is what I am quite honestly wearing today. I'm only going to subject you to one picture.

 

You see, today is sick day at the CaiRob (Roblin? Crob?) house.  Rob skipped classes this morning--though admittedly this could be more due to laziness than sickness--and I could hardly roll my ass out of bed at all.  I'm up, though, and this is what I look like.

Is there anything better than wearing bulky, shapeless sweatshirts when you're sick and cold?  I think not.

Also, I've had those sweatpants since I was maybe a sophomore in high school.  Notice the "Aeropostale" label? Yeah, I was pretty hip and brand-aware back then so...

Don't forget to visit Maryam to see her awesomely honest outfit and to link up.

Also, wanted to thank you guys for your comments on my last post...it's nice to be myself and still be accepted. You're all amazing!

Thoughts on Sponsoring and Blogs and Things

Well, after two months of having a sponsorship program, and after four or five months of sponsoring other blogs, I think it's time to take a little hiatus.

I would like to say that this is borne of some great realization about life and how I don't need readers to feel validated in my writing and such, but the vain truth is I love you guys and I love reading your comments, and love reading what you write on your own blogs.

Truthfully I'm feeling a little bogged down in the blogging rigamarole (yes, I'm 70 years old).  I feel like I'm commenting just for the sake of commenting and I feel like I'm following blogs that I just plain don't enjoy anymore.  Kaelah once referred to it as a "blogging circle jerk"; pardon the lewd phrase but I think it's the best way to describe it.

This is probably a douchey thing to admit, but sometimes I feel the need to read "bigger" blogs just because they have a lot of followers but not because I enjoy their content, if that makes sense.  Does anyone else do that?  I really hope I don't offend anyone here.  I also don't want to pass judgement on people who do decide to sponsor blog or maintain sponsorship programs. It's an awesome aspect of blogging, it's just not for me right now.

I don't mean to make a comment on anyone's blog specifically--I think my tastes and what I want are changing slightly and as a result I've taken a good hard look at my blog reader to determine what blogs and blog posts I most enjoy.  

I'm still going to write, and I will keep current sponsorships up through November.  I want to just get back to writing and immersing myself in the community.  I think I became too immersed in the logistics and it kept me from enjoying what is really awesome about blogging.

So, no more sponsorships (minus the ones I've paid ahead for) for the next month or couple of months.  I hope you all still read because I love getting to know you.

Have a great weekend, friends!

What I Honestly Wore Wednesday

So for the first time this Wednesday I actually photographed myself wearing pajama pants and a giant sweatshirt, which is what I usually wear, instead of jeans or a work outfit.  Today you are seeing the real Caitlin.

The really lazy one who loves to be comfy.

Try to contain yourselves:

Couple of things:

1. I thought of moving all the junk in our hallway, but that wouldn't be honest now, would it? My house is a mess.

2. If you can't read my sweatshirt, it says "Stewart/Colbert 2008." I bought this in 2006 and wore it all through college.

3. Those pants are wicked comfy.

4. That's my cell phone in my kangaroo pocket, not some weird square baby bump. HONESTY!

5. I'm still without my nice camera, so once again, apologies for the point and shoot photos.

6. Can you handle how sexy I am right now?

As always, linking up with Maryam today.

What did you wear today?

Honestly Honest

I read this post that Danielle wrote earlier this week and it got me thinking about blogging and how we portray ourselves.

I am no stranger to comparing myself to others.  I did it long before blogs and I'm sure I'll do it for the rest of my life.  Blogs are interesting because they allow us to put out only what we want, which usually ends up making ourselves look good.  That's not a comment on anyone in particular--I think it's human nature to only show our best selves, especially when you're facing so much potential criticism from the Internet.  Sadly this usually means that we end up comparing ourselves fruitlessly to a mirage, and as we all know, if we compare ourselves to perfection we will always fall short.

I'm learning more and more to not compare myself to anyone, because no one is perfect and I can only live life in the way that seems the most logical to me.

I like to think that my blog is pretty honest.  I'm pretty sure that if any of you met me in real life--as some of you have, and you can correct me if I'm wrong--you'd see that I'm pretty much the exact same person I portray on my blog.  I try not to hide my proud moments and my not-so-proud moments because my favorite blogs to read are the honest ones--the ones that remind me that we're all people, that we all have problems, and that it is our struggles that help define our lives.

That said, I decided to share some true honesty with you today, just to snap you back into reality if you had any delusions of my perfection (I have no delusions about this and assume you do not, but still, this will be fun, I promise).

---------------

1.  Rob and I hate folding laundry and haven't folded a load in probably around 4 months.  We get our clothes from here more frequently than our own dressers:

2. Rob and I are often too lazy to actually change a roll of toilet paper, so we end up sort of propping the new roll on top of the spent roll and call it good.  

3. This is seriously what our bedroom looks like right now.  Note that my dog has more beds than I do.

4. Remember the rug I so provocatively posed with in this post?  Yeah, it's still there.

5. Our kitchen table looks like this.  Obviously we don't eat here.

6. My muffin top is all that, whole-grain, low-fat.

So there you go - total, unflinching honesty from yours truly.

This has to make it easier for the rest of you.  Just the pictures alone make me anxious.