Not the Best of Mornings

Are you ready for some of the most obnoxious first-world complaining you'll probably hear all day?

Since yesterday I have had a sharp pain and crackling in my lungs.  I've never had lung problems before so this only serves to further my belief that New Mexico is trying to kill me.

This morning I woke up at 7am, lungs aching, and pulled a muscle in my neck yanking the blankets from my side to Rob's.

I tried to wake Rob up so he could come with me to drop Cypress off at her first day at daycare. He was dragging his feet so I passive-aggressively left by myself.

On the way, we approached a train crossing and just as I was about to drive over it, I saw a yellow light and the crossing lights started flashing.  For those of you who don't know, I'm terrified of trains and train crossings, and as you can see below, this morning I got a front row seat. I saw the homeless guy selling newspapers avoid me because I was crying and hyperventilating, and Cypress started flipping out.

The road to Cypress's daycare was closed because someone was murdered there yesterday or the day before.  I tried to find a quick way around but all the roads were either blocked off or dead ends.  Because of all the stopping and going, I could tell that Cypress was starting to get sick and I had to keep moving my damaged neck because of all the lane-changing I was doing. I actually had to drive almost the entire way back the way I came to find a new way because I suck at directions and maps.

Once we got there Cypress was extremely overwhelmed by all the smells and the noise so I'll be worrying about her all day.

On top of all of that, today marks 17 years since my best childhood friend died of cancer.  This isn't something that really dominates my day anymore, but it seems appropriate that if I'm going to have a shitty day it'd be today.

Now I'm home, and the day can only get better, right?

Tagged with Lots of Elevens

I'm sure you've seen the following meme go around and, as you all know well, I sure do love a good meme.  I was tagged by the lovely Jess, so you should go read her facts/answers/etc.

Rules:

1. You must post these rules.
2. Each per­son must post 11 things about them­selves on their blog.
3. Answer the ques­tions the tag­ger set for you in their post, and cre­ate 11 new ques­tions for the peo­ple you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 peo­ple to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tag­ging sec­tion about ‘you are tagged if you are read­ing this.’ You legit­i­mately have to tag 11 people.

 11 Things About Me:

1. I have synesthesia.  Numbers have personalities, people and words have colors.
2. One of the things I'm most excited for when we move to Santa Fe is that there are a lot of free-range doggy daycares for my Cypress-beast.
3. I'm a gadget whore. In the last 6 months I've gotten a MacBook Pro, iPad (this was a gift, admittedly) and an iPhone 4S. It's embarrassing and disgusting and awful, and it motivated me to make a ridiculous donation to the ASPCA.
4. I hate being chased. If I feel like Rob is chasing me up the stairs I squeal and run really fast, like a four-year-old.
5. I grew up in a town with a population of 140 people. My dad still lives four miles down a mostly dirt road on the shores of a beautiful lake. We were half an hour from the nearest gas station or grocery store, 45 minutes from school, and 2 hours from the mall.
6. I tend to plan things a little psychotically and way too far in advance.
7. I don't think there's ever been anything about myself that I've been afraid to tell my husband, even the first day we started dating.
8. Watching suspensful or stressful movies is really difficult for me. I'd rather watch a television show that I've seen 8 million times.
8. I love my own handwriting and I love filling out forms.
9. I hate doing dishes. HATE.
10.I see myself ending up pretty tattooed by the end of this journey.
10. I'm not religious, nor do I believe in God, but I am fascinated by church services. I attended Christmas Eve Mass this year with my in-laws and good news, the church did not explode.
11. Because of my synesthesia I hate odd numbers. It's really bugging me to end on one.

Questions from Jess at IROCKSOWHAT:

1. If you could get paid really well to do what you totally love, what would it be? It could be anything! Writing whatever I felt like writing on a particular day.
2. Who is your celebrity crush? Oh goodness...Johnny Depp, Dave King from Flogging Molly, Mike Ness (all those tattoos, swoon), Brad Pitt of course.
3. What is your dream car? A fully-loaded Lexus sedan. Call me crazy but I live in a state where the the snow and salt tear up your car, and I need a car that I know is going to survive.
4. What do you wish you were better at? Not becoming so attached to people.
5. What is your food weakness that you will over eat every single time? It changes...generally brownies, cookies, candy, any sweets.
6. What latest fashion do you hate and wish would just die? Rompers. Sorry, I freaking hate them.
7. Your favorite iphone/andoid app? I'm rather partial to Instagram, but I've only had my iPhone for a short time. Any ideas for apps?
8. What is the your most favorite website? http://www.fyeahtattoos.com, Ugliest Tattoos, blogs I enjoy.
9. Your top 3 favorite stores to shop? NY&Co, Target, Express
10. What was your favorite childhood toy? Dollhouses and the like.
11. What really freaks you out/scares you? Trains. Yep.

My Questions

1. If you had to be any cartoon character, which would it be?
2. Are you a dog, cat, gerbil, or no-pet person?
3. Imagine that at 12 years old, you had to decide all the tattoos you were ever going to get in your life. What would you have wanted to get tattooed at that time? If you don't like tattoos just suspend belief and tell me what you were really into at age 12.
4. What is your favorite breakfast food?
5. If you could have any animal as a pet, with no concerns for personal danger or money, what would it be?
6. What TV show could you watch over and over again?
7. What movie did you watch over and over again?
8. What are your top 3 favorite blogs to read?
9. Who is your least favorite actor/actress?
10. What's the furthest distance you've ever driven on one trip?
11. If you had no concerns about what you looked like or how people would judge you when you walked out the door, what would you wear?

I apologize if I tag people that have already done this or have already been tagged: Holly, Danielle, Liz, Sandi, Jessica, Michelle, Nova, Danielle, Amber, Olivia, and Donna.

On Inadequacy, Mostly

Let me be the first to apologize for ignoring my blog of late.  Work took over like crazy and I'm trying (oh, how I'm trying) to get everything done.  Today I worked on two documents all day and after dinner, decided that I was going to turn my mind off and catch up on some blogs. 

I've been positively itching to write a blog post but it seems like everything I want to write is somehow inadequate.  Truth be told, I've been feeling a little inadequate lately.  I feel like I can't do anything right, that everyone sees me as the big awkward monster that I see myself as.  I feel that everyone hates me and begrudges my talkativeness and (of course) awkwardness.  I feel like know that I am half the wife that Rob deserves. Every positive comment comes immediately in one ear and out the other, while the negative or even slightly negative comments hang on for dear life.

Awkward!

 

Sometimes the thoughts threaten to overwhelm my brain and crush my sanity.  I end up withdrawing and disconnecting and I hate myself when I'm like that.

My therapist started me on a new thought process that I've been trying to use as much as possible.  She intially tried guiding me toward coming up with thoughts that directly contradicted the negative little ant-thoughts that pervade my brain on a daily basis.  This--perhaps not shockingly--had little to no effect and the thoughts kept on marching. 

So one day after a tear-filled admission of psychosis she handed me a notepad and told me to write down all of the proof I had that any of my fears and neuroses were justified. As expected, my list looked something like this:

[Insert blinking cursor]

This method was actually quite helpful.  It doesn't remove the thoughts or the anxiety, but it places a stopgap and keeps my anxiety from going from a 3 to a 9.  Instead it sits around a "healthy" 5 or 6. I don't know that it will ever go away, but dammit, I will try.  I owe it not only to myself, but to my husband and the people I love, to love myself and to be the best person I can be.  I hope I can reach that someday soon.

Are you all having a good week so far?

Phobias

As a naturally neurotic person you can imagine that I also have a proclivity toward phobias. And like most phobias by definition, mine are based on theoretically logical circumstances but are, in and of themselves, extremely irrational.

Phobia #1: Machines.

I’ve looked this up and there is a name for it (mechanophobia). Basically, any large machine that runs or moves on its own without any discernible operator causes me anxiety and panic. Example: Rob, my father and I were driving home from New Hampshire one day maybe 4 years ago and we came across a train crossing (more on THAT fear later). The train had just passed and the arm of the--I don’t know, the lifty thing? Whatever the hell it’s called--raised up and for some reason the smoothness of the motion made me feel nauseated.

Another time Rob and I were at Universal Studios in the Jurassic Park ride. While you’re floating around in a boat animatronic dinosaurs rise up from the water and move around like I suppose dinosaurs would. It made me extremely panicky to think about what those dinosaur machines looked like underwater—sort of like dead bodies, I reasoned (that’s another thing, I don’t like non-aquatic things being underwater)—and I had to stop thinking about it before I started to cry.

The most recent situation occurred at the mall last weekend. At our mall there is a carousel, which I’ve never had an issue with before. But I had to avoid it while it was moving…the bright lights, colors, caricature-esque horses, smooth and independent motion… it just seemed like a nightmare from a horror movie.

And finally, I can’t go into the car wash by myself. And if I’m in the car wash, I have to plug my ears and put my head between my knees.

Phobia #2 (based on Phobia #1): Trains.

This also has a name, perhaps surprisingly—Siderodromophobia. This sort of developed over the last few years or so. I can be in trains and next to trains, but I can’t stand in front of a train or have the train operating behind me (more on my chasing phobia later). The front of them, especially those pointy ones, are the worst. My sister and I drove by a train car that was totally grounded, not on a track or functional at all, and it looked about 10x bigger and darker to me as we drove closer to it and when I look back on it I see it in the same way.

Phobia #3: Being chased.

When I speak of this fear people often think I'm saying "being chaste," but I assure you I have no fears in that department. Apparently there is no name for this particular fear. As the description pretty self-evidently states, I hate the idea of something or someone behind me. No matter the situation I feel like that person or thing is trying to chase me. Whenever I run up the stairs, with Rob following, I always go even faster and beg him, “don’t chase me!” I always figured that if I got into a situation where I was being chased I might just give up and allow myself to be caught!

Do you have any phobias?

Interested in phobias? You can waste hours on this site.