Currently

Loving: Cooler days.  For all the bitching I did about the winter in Maine--and I definitely did my fair share of bitching--the summer heat here was just getting to me. I got crazy heat rashes that burned in the sun (only around my elbows for some reason), my skin (and in particular my tattooed skin) was so slathered in sunscreen all day that I developed zits and rashes, and somehow, despite SPF 70, I developed my first tan ever. Walking the dog was a downright chore. Happily now that monsoon season has come, we have more days that are in the high 70s and low 80s rather than the mid-90s. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be bitching once the temperature gets down to 30 again.

Reading: Still reading the collection of Ray Bradbury's short stories; it's huge and is taking forever.

Watching: X-Files and Breaking Bad. Rob and I finally caught up with the current season so I can actually watch with the normal people now.

Thinking About: Work, mostly, and the winter.  We're planning a bunch of trips and I'm so excited to have Rob around 24/7 again.

Anticipating: A potential trip to Denver this weekend to visit a friend! I'm super excited to get out of town, assuming Robbie's not home.  I'm also anticipating Rifftrax Live in Albuquerque on Thursday, because it, too, shall be awesome.

Listening To: Hank Williams III mostly.  His songs about crazy drug binges really speak to my experience.  Just kidding, they just make me laugh. Also listening to the X-Files all day while I work...I like having the TV on when Rob's gone because it makes me feel a little less alone.

Working On: Some tutorials for work.  And also working on staying sane while Robbie's gone, which is always an uphill battle.

Wishing: That Robbie would come home in time for him to see Rifftrax Live with me next week.

On Letting the Right One In

Up until the last few years or so, I seemed to be constantly drawn to people who would bring me down.

When you suffer from anxiety and/or depression, friendship can be both a wonderful and yet very frustrating thing.  Actually scratch that, I'm pretty sure even if you are anxious or depressed friendship can be wonderful and frustrating.  Any activity that has you developing a relationship with a fellow imperfect human being is usually going to end up pretty messy.

A friend (see what I did there?) and I were talking about people that don't seem to be interested in having friends so much as keeping them.  I've had a lot of experience with these people it seems.  These are the people who blow you off, usually via text or other non-confrontational method I find, but yet later will still send you baffling signals about how close of friends you apparently are.  I constantly doubt myself all on my own and have sadly spent far too much time trying to decipher what my friendship means to this type of person.

I also seem to meet a lot of people who are defined by their baggage.  Since I was a kid I was drawn to people who needed me, the obvious problem being that when I needed them they were simply incapable of being there.  As you all know well, I have plenty of baggage myself and work best in mutual, caring friendships. 

Another person I come into contact with on a somewhat regular basis are downright toxic people.  I know a few friends who pollute my Facebook feed (it's always Facebook) with toxicity, and depending on who the person is it causes me stress to no end.  I'm constantly fearing a confrontation with these people and worry for hours over what that confrontation will consist of.  It isn't uncommon for me to allow these people and their actions to interfere with my entire day.  And because I'm far too apologetic and insecure, I'm too scared to delete or block them for fear of harassment and retribution.

I probably haven't always been the best friend in the world, but I know that I'm a good person and I've always tried to be the best friend I can.  I don't deserve to be bogged down by people who make themselves happy simply by dragging others down.  A personal goal of mine is to become better at determining those friendships that enrich my life rather than cause me undue stress and anxiety. I don't have time for that shit.

 

Those of you who are my real friends can come with me to P.F. Chang's!

Though this sounds like a bit of a downer post, thinking about those not-so-positive forces in my life reminds me of those friends, online and off, that do enrich my life.  You know who you are, and I love you for it. I hope I return your friendly awesomeness to at least a certain degree.

Have a great week, all! 

Things I Love Thursday: The Departure Edition

This morning I head to Arizona for a long month away from my darling husband and beast.  I'm feeling a little bummed about it, honestly, but I know it'll be a good, challenging experience for me.  I need challenge lately, and I need to trust my own strength.  I feel more grounded now than I have in years, so I can't think of a better time for such a challenge to come.

Whenever an extended separation arises I always think back to the Army days, when only a month apart seemed like some sort of divine gift.  Those times serve as a constant reminder to me of how lucky I am to have this life with Rob and to not take for granted the time we have together.  So many people are now unwillingly living a lifetime without their soulmates, and in comparison to that a month seems a paltry sum indeed.

So I just have three things that I love this Thursday.  The first is funny moments like this that I can share with my husband:

The second is that today is Cypress's 3-year adoptiversary, which is exactly what it sounds like.  3 years ago we picked up our fuzzy, eyebrowed little beast and our life hasn't been the same since.  Cypress was the perfect addition to our new little family and we fall more in love with her every day.  This was taken the day we brought her home, 3 years ago today.  She's still a little limp-wristed weiler.

I saved the little slip of paper they gave us telling us when to come pick her up.  I keep it in my wallet along with me and Rob's first picture.

The third and final thing is this song by Dan Andriano in the Emergency Room, which kind of reflects the sad part of my mood but is still an uplifting song in a weird way.  If you haven't downloaded this album yet, you should right now. It's amazing.

The next time I write to you all I will be in Arizona!  I hope you have a wonderful Thursday and be prepared for some picture-heavy posts! :)

I'm Sorry for Being Sorry

One habit that I have had a particularly difficult time breaking is my tendency to apologize for just about everything.  I apologize for what I say, I apologize for things I do and do not do, and I apologize for who I am.  I'm sure some of you have noticed that on my blog, when discussing a contentious topic (which does not happen often given my fear of confrontation) I usually spend as much time apologizing for my opinion as I do actually struggling to verbalize it.

As you can imagine I believe this comes from a deep-rooted insecurity that's been clinging to my back for, well, as long as I can remember.  I can't ever remember being totally comfortable with myself in any situation, and because I am usually repulsed by my own presence I assume that everyone else feels the same way.  Usually when someone agrees to hang out with me (for whatever reason) I give them ample opportunity to escape me it and then apologize for my seemingly endless awkwardness.  I generally operate under one of two assumptions when dealing with anyone in my life, to include Rob: (1) They are only spending time with me to humor me or (2) I've managed to dupe just about everyone in my life into thinking I'm a person that deserves love or friendship when really I'm just an obnoxious unwitting con-artist.

I had an epiphany about this a few days ago.  Simply put, when I apologize for being me I am granting power over my life to someone else.  I am allowing some other person--even if they don't realize I'm doing it or have malicious intentions--to control what I think and how I feel about myself.  And perhaps more illogically, I'm thereby making the assumption that that person isn't dealing with their own shit and trying to figure out life themselves.

It's as if I think that they can define me better than I can define myself.

My epiphany led me to the question of why I let this happen and why I let myself think this way.  I tried to remind myself that if I was really as repulsive as I imagine, I probably wouldn't have an amazing husband that astounds me every day with his kindness and understanding.  I probably wouldn't be as successful as I am in my job.  I probably wouldn't have the great friends that I do have.  My life is full and my life is happy, and it's time I come to fully appreciate it. 

So because I love lists, here is a list of things I need to work on toward this end:

• I need to work on taking control of my life and of the image I have of myself.  This is the only life I have and I spend far too much time acting like I'm going to get yelled at at each turn.
• I need to learn to truly love myself.  To not self-deprecate, even in jest, and to not treat myself any harder than I would treat another.
• I need to stop the dysmorphia and to stop assuming that other people understand me better than I understand me.
• I need to stop letting the dysmorphia define me.  I am not defined by my magnified flaws, but by the entire person that I am.
• I need to let go of toxic people in my life.  This is a whole post in and of itself, but in the past I have typically been drawn to toxic, damaged people who suck out the best of me and turn their backs when I most need them.  I need to fill my life with friends who appreciate who Caitlin is.
• I need to take care of myself.

I don't know how best to end this so I will do so with the quote from a woman I particularly admire:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Things I Love Thursday

Sing us a song, you're the piano man.

Check out this awesome photography project: Real Life Disney Princesses.

This photography project features women displaying their breast cancer scars.  Amazing and exremely moving.

Is anyone else super excited about the World War Z movie? Or am I a nerd?

All together now: AWW. I love sea otters.

Whichbook takes your interests/book preferences and uses them to recommend other books to you!

More funny t-shirts!

Found this via Maryam - 6 Fun Things to do with Dry Erase Markers.

We've been rewatching a lot of Mad Men lately and Rob keeps mentioning how something about Christina Hendricks (Joan)'s face reminds him of me. I don't see it, but she's amazing and beautiful, so here's a picture of her.

Pencil vs. Camera.

Check out these gorgeous pictures: The World's Most Beautiful Libraries.

Check out this gorgeous book nook. I want to do this now.

If you are friends with me on Facebook you would've seen this amazing quote this morning. It was exactly what I needed:

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." - Leo Buscaglia

Trashion Shelf Inspiration.

On a tip from Ashley at That is All, I bought this adorable lunchbox today!

I hope you all have had a magical week so far!

Some Letters I've been Meaning to Write III

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Dear Hangover 2,

You were a huge disappointment.  The great thing about the original Hangover was the subtlety of Zach Galifnakis's character. In this movie I felt like his character--and jokes--were being slapped against my head like a fish.

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Dear Mythbusters,

Just...keep doing what you're doing.  Thanks.

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Dear My Brain,

Could we stop with the endlessly dissecting social interaction, both online and off?  You're treating the blog world like you dealt with high school, and high school was miserable. I can't believe I'm actually concerning myself more with what people online or offline say/think/do than, say, how lucky I am, or what a nice day it is.  Priorities, brain, please.

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Dear Body,

I'm far too hard on you, I know that.  But can we start showing some results from 6 months of gym?  I'm starting to get disheartened.

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Dear Birds Outside Our Window,

I understand the whole 'catch the worm' thing, but 4:30 a.m.? Really? Is it bird convention time?  Are you all screaming obscenities to each other, or to me?

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Dear Cypress,

I know that with spring come lots of rotting deliciousness left over from the frozen winter, but every time you roll so indulgently in said rotten deliciousness you get in trouble and get a bath, which you hate. I'm not sure you've heard of this quote, because you're a dog, but Albert Einstein famously said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Please find a more civilized and more fulfilling hobby, like stamp collecting or knife throwing.

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Dear Maine,

Thank you for heeding my frequent requests for nicer weather. I am loving the 80 degree days and bright, sunny skies...and even the thunderstorms.  But you can keep the mosquitoes...they were not part of the agreement.

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Dear Old Men in the Gym,

Rob and I are starting to think that your wives and doctors force you to go to the gym, but you don't really want to, and that's why you spend about 80% of the time standing in the main thoroughfare chatting about spruce trees.  I know you punctuate these conversations with a set of 3 5-lb bicep curls, but could you please move to the locker room or, you know, a coffee shop or something?

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Dear Parents at the Gym,

I can understand that with children it's hard to find time to go to the gym, but I really cannot excuse allowing your two-year-old to climb on the machines while you work out on other machines.  There are WEIGHTS and PEOPLE WALKING AROUND. Either bring your kid in the morning when there is free childcare, stay at home and buy some weights, or have your kid stay in the big open area with kids' toys and other funnery.

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Love,

Caitlin

xoxo