Working, Thinking & Awesome Husbands

I've had a bit of BCS (blinking cursor syndrome) of late so pardon the potential incoherence of this post.

I spent my entire day today locked away in our guest room-cum-office creating training videos for faculty.  I began to grow so sick of my own voice I thought my head would explode, but I managed to get all of them done by 6 or so and thus felt very productive.

What was far more exciting to me, however, was what was happening outside of my office.  My darling husband woke up, walked the dog, cleaned our sheets (which has desperately needed to happen), made the bed, washed the dishes, made a delicious dinner of rotisserie chicken (he picked off all the breast meat and gave it to me because that's the only part of the chicken I eat), sweet corn, and mashed potatoes, and didn't ask for any help.

Plus, he walked around without his shirt on all day.  Who could ask for anything more?

"You're welcome."

I wanted to get him a gift for being so amazing all the damn time, but what do you get the man who has everything? Answer: gelato. That sort of makes up for all the doubting and crying and bad-wifery, right?

Side note: does anyone else like to mix chocolate and fruity flavors? Rob thinks I'm insane.

I know I gush about my husband a lot on this blog, but as he told me, "Your blog is called To Make Love Stay.  I think you're allowed to write about love."

After a day of thinking far too much about work, traveling later this week, blogs, bitchy people, bitchy people on blogs, and a wedding I have coming up on Sunday, it was truly an amazing thing to just sit in the car on our way to an extra-long dog walk and let the happy just wash over me.  I felt quiet and I felt happy.  We passed a hotel with a sign that said Summer will end, but the memories will last a lifetime. This summer was truly an wonderful one despite the moments of anxiety and happiness-crushing depression.  I got to spend so much time with my husband and enjoy these days, the best of our lives so far.

I will apologize again for these posts not coming up to snuff lately.  My sister and I are off to Florida for work (yep) this week so the mediocre posts will at least be few and far between.

A Date with Myself and Other Thoughts

Rob is in the thick of finals right now and they are pretty intense. I’m actually stressing out for him because he doesn’t stress about anything, and god dammit, with a neurotic dog and wife one of us has to stress to keep this family grounded.

Or something.

Tonight we were engaged in our typical Sunday-night routine, which is comprised of me on my computer watching Sunday-night Fox shows and Rob on his computer, except this time he was knee-deep in an excruciating Physics final. He kept asking, “Can you turn that down?” even after I’d turned it down twice, so I figured it was time to get out and give him a good half hour or so to work on his final in peace and quiet.

So I convinced myself to go on a solo gelato date!

Last year at around this time a new gelato/café opened up in the next town over. I almost peed myself in excitement when I saw that ON THE WINDOW they announced that they had gluten-free gelato and food! Turns out the owner has celiac disease and is therefore very aware of gluten and cross-contamination. Epic win for my upper intestine and immune system!

Anyway I made the trek to gelato magic and ordered myself a combination of orange and chocolate sorbetto. I did this in honor of my dad, who is the best father any girl could ask for, and who loves the strange combo of orange sherbet and chocolate ice cream:

The gelato store has this map in the corner of the store with a sign asking each person to pin a piece of paper on a place they’d most like to visit, along with 3 words or less describing why. I saw some pretty cool ones and some pretty pretentious ones (we do live in a college town, ha) but in general I thought it was a pretty awesome idea.

Here is my extremely enlightened pin pinned on the great country of Russia:

Mine's the one on the right, though I'd like to meet the other peson, since she was the only other person who chose Russia (and Regina? HELL yes).

And here is something cute I found on Antarctica:

Ahem, the rules were 3 WORDS OR LESS.  College kids.

It felt really good to get out of the house on my own. While my husband is lovely and awesome and while the majority of activities are better with him, with the exception of, say, a pelvic exam or while using the bathroom, it felt nice to just be alone with my thoughts for a bit. I woke up in the morning in a severe funk, exacerbated by my ever-worsening allergies. I felt like I just wanted to curl in bed and not face the day; every tiny disappointment, from learning I have to travel for work one week or feeling like my blog isn’t interesting enough, turns into a giant weight on my mind and I feel as though I can hardly breathe.

I’m having a hard time actually tracing the funk. I think in large part I’m just kind of bored…we’ve been living in this part of Maine for 3 years as of May 20, and I’m getting antsy for what’s next. Because we live in a rural area, most of our days are spent at home or walking the dog in one or two locations. As I mentioned in my previous post, I don’t enjoy city living so I’m not sure that would actually fix the boredom either.

Ultimately I think what I need to do is to learn to be happy in the present moment. I am quite guilty of always looking ahead, a recurring symptom left over from Rob’s time in the Army when we spent 2-hour phone conversations fantasizing about what our life together would be like in a few years’ time.

I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression over the course of my entire life (as you have read about over the last few days) and only recently ceased taking medication to treat both. I decided that I would take the opportunity to start fundamentally changing myself, how I think about my life, and how I choose to live my life. It’s been a difficult road and I often have difficulty prying my mind out of the worry-rut that it so easily falls into, but I think that I have gotten a little better with time. Some days like today, however, the depression overtakes me and I need to reevaluate my thinking all over again. It’s a process. By the way: I don’t mean to speak disparagingly of those who choose to take medications for anxiety and depression; this is only my experience so take it what it is worth.

Anyway, my “date” was lovely and I’m glad I got the chance to do it. Truthfully I think that I should do it more often to spare my husband the constant back-and-forth of my inner dialogue. He’s been pretty amazing, I should say—it’s a wonder he hasn’t left me with the constant indecision, anxiety, biting of lips, and tears.

As part of my exercise to focus on the now, here are some things that made me happy this weekend:

1) Seeing my older sister, who I rarely see and with whom I have much in common.

2) Tons of quality time with my husband.

3) The look on Cypress’s face when I picked her up at daycare today.

4) Cypress playing with two of her “best friends” at a local field-slash-informal dog park.

5) Black cherry Calypso lemonade sold at the gelataria.

6) Eye drops that help make my eyes stop itching from all the pollen in the air.

7) 60 degree weather and sun.

8) Fun blog posts and comments.

What made you happy this weekend? Do you find it easy to live presently?

Also, this is my 100th post! I’m sure that means something somewhere, right?

On Weekends, Tattoos, Gelato, and Social Anxiety

This weekend was awesome in a lot of ways.

On Saturday Rob and I spent time with his brother and sister-in-law and then had drinks with his stepsister and a few of her friends. It was really relaxing and I love getting to spend time with other lovely people in our lives.

Sunday was tattoo show time!

Note: I'll admit that I was extremely nervous to begin with. I have a sort of insane dysmorphia when it comes to picturing my social interactions with people, particularly people who I want to impress or be friends with. I don't know if anyone else does this, but I generally picture myself speaking to others as about 4 feet taller, with knuckles dragging and a voice unnecessarily loud and incoherent. My husband tells me this is insane because I'm 5'3" and around 120 lb, but I'm sure someone out there understands this issue (I can't be the only one, right? Right?!).

Anyway I knew that my artist, who I generally avoid when I see him in the gym because of said dysmorphia and corresponding fear of making a total ass of myself, was bringing a bunch of friends with whom he trains (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) along with his wife and son. I didn't know any of these people aside from cursory glances at the gym and tattoo shop. Needless to say I was damn near a full-on panic attack more or less the entire morning.

I arrived at the show early and sort of stood around for awhile. For the first time ever I felt out of place for not having more tattoos...they were everywhere! I saw some beautiful work and some not-so-beautiful work, but despite the quality or lack thereof of the work itself it was awesome to be around so many tattooed people.

Long story short, it ended up being a total freaking blast. Everyone in the group was super nice and inclusive, and we were all pretty drunk (thanks to the attached bar) by around 2:30. My tattoo even won best in its category - Best Small Color Piece (Female)! It should've won Best in Show - Female, but alas, the judges weren't tattoo artists or even tattooed at all, so their tastes were a wee bit skewed in my humble opinion.

Here's me standing with Adam, my artist, along with my awesome sixth-grade hologram trophy:



Let's ignore a couple of things about this picture: (1) That it's really awkward and (2) that my stomach and hips look way bigger than normal.

Also, I was asked about this - Adam received a trophy as well. Why they give a trophy to the person who got the tattoo, I will never understand. All I did was bring the idea and sit there. But hey, gratuitous trophies are always fun and it is currently proudly displayed in our guest bedroom. Adam also won multiple awards for various other pieces - he's truly an amazing artist and tattooist.

My husband spent the day playing with his band, which apparently went really well. I'm really excited for them to begin recording and playing gigs. Rob's ideal job would be to just play music all the time and hopefully he can make that dream come true.

Confession: I also want him to get famous so I can get tattoos in visible places.

So that was the weekend. I'm really glad that I stepped outside of my comfort zone and met new people, made new connections, and did something I've never done before. Typically my social anxiety keeps me pretty limited in the activities I participate in, but once I break free I always feel proud of myself for the experience. That was my lesson for the weekend: it's never as bad as you think it will be and it's always worthwhile to challenge yourself and make yourself feel a little uncomfortable.

And to finish this post, here are some pictures from me and Robbie's gelato date this evening!

Mm, currant with chocolate...