A Happy List

I figured after my Debbie Downer of a post yesterday I'd shine a little bit of positivity on your faces this morning.  Sometimes you just have to focus on the positive, especially when you run out of vodka.

Here are some things that are making me happy this week:

1. Your sweet comments on my last post. You guys are awesome, and even though you live in my computer I count you all as friends.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2. Four whole days with my husband. It's always better when we're together.

3. Episodes of 30 Rock, Murder She Wrote, X-Files, and Quantum Leap on Netflix.  Yeah, what? I'm a nerd.

4. The Twilight drinking game Robbie and I played earlier in the week.  We laughed through the whole movie and that's just my favorite thing ever.

5. Never-ending laughing fits in the car with Rob about nothing.

6. Having Rob for an additional evening on Friday after they finish refurbing the trucks.

Figuring it Out

I feel like I haven't written a real post in quite some time and truthfully it's been weighing on me.

To be honest with you guys I haven't been doing so great lately.  I think one of the downsides to getting mentally healthy and learning how to combat the negative bullshit is that instead of just the bad voice in your head you have two conflicting voices, at least when you're still in treatment limbo.  The anxiety this has created has led to a really weird spiral of depression, a depression I haven't experienced since some of my most stressful years in high school.  My mind has been descending into some strange-ass places and when it's really bad, I hardly feel in control of it at all.*

The anxiety and depression are due to many factors, namely the fact that my husband is still leaving to go on fires leaving me alone and sad and will be for the next 2 months, and that work has been incredibly stressful of late.  I'd been vacillating between the two for the last week or so, worrying about one or the other at any given time, but this morning (I'm always more stressed in the morning) it all came crashing down on me at once.  My therapist has me rate my anxiety 1-5 each day, and today was the first day ever I could give it a 5.  It was awful. Rob helped a ton, as usual, but I also know that I generally just have to ride out the meltdowns and eventually I can start rebuilding my sanity again.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally exhausted with the effort. I haven't been eating (I've lost about 5 pounds so far this summer) and I'm constantly sleepy and bordering on sick. It's both bizarre and paralyzing to be so self-aware and yet feel so helpless to fix it.

I was really open about it in therapy this week, and my therapist and I are trying to come up with some effective strategies--and maybe additional sessions--with the goal of fixing this or at least getting me to a  more functional level.  I'm also hoping to integrate writing--either here or privately--into the healing if you guys aren't totally sick of these whiny, self-indulgent depression posts yet.

Let me say now that in general I'm really happy and I know how fortunate I am in so many ways.  As those of you who suffer from anxiety and depression know, they are insidious and can sneak up in the most inopportune moments and I'm often caught off guard by it.

To lighten the mood, here's a picture of my husband's feet while he played a new video game on my iPad:

Adorable, right?

*For any family/friends reading this, please don't be concerned.  Life is awesome and I have no self-destructive tendencies.

Midweek Bits and Pieces

The only thing that's really important and awesome about this week is that my Robbie is home, not on call, until Thursday.  And I've been really stressed about work, which sucks but also has the unintended consequence that I'm not as worried about Rob leaving or divorcing me since all my worrying-energy is devoted elsewhere. A WIN-WIN I'D SAY.

1. Monsoon season has officially arrived to Santa Fe. It's amazing how drastically it affects the weather; before we were experiencing 90-95 days on the regular (yeah, I'm cool) and a sun that would just would not let up.  Now that the monsoons have started it's been in the 70s and 80s and humid, plus we're even getting rain every day now. I must say I was dubious when I heard "monsoon," but so far it's living up to its name.  Well played, desert.

2. This "weekend" with Robbie has been amazing. I'm not sure if it's that we spent a total of 10 days together in June or some other factor but this time has just felt different, and I love it. I couldn't be happier that he's home, even though it's only for a short while.  One of the only positive aspects of separation is how truly wonderful the reunion is.

3. Our anniversary was lovely, and thank you guys for all the kind wishes.  In the morning I woke up early and made Robbie breakfast in bed.  I'm nice like that.  We spent all day together, just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.  Later Robbie bought me flowers and took me out for yummy food and margaritas at the Zia Diner. It was really mellow and totally us; in fact, one of my favorite things about my marriage to Robbie is our ability to do absolutely nothing together.  Really I think I'd rather do nothing with him than anything else.

4. I found 202 episodes of The X-Files on Netflix.  GUESS WHAT I'LL BE DOING NEXT FIRE ROLL.

5. When you're watching TV or a movie and the characters come across something that smells bad, do you breathe through your mouth? I totally do too.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week so far!

Obligatory Anniversary Post

Two years ago today, I married my best friend and attended the most badass party ever.

I've tried to write this post about 13 times, failing each time because I simply don't have the words to explain what my Robbie means to me.  I really can't understand how I got so goddamn lucky to have found someone who truly understands me and has yet to run screaming from my crazy ass, but here we are and I could not be happier.  

In December we will celebrate 10 years together and I don't think I can think of a better way to have spent more than a third of my life.  Though it's been difficult, and though we've been through hell and back, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat because it's brought us to this fucking awesome place we are now.

Rob, Robbie, Robbit, Ruby, husband, I love you so fucking much it hurts. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life by your side.  Happy Anniversary, douchebag.

Links and Things

Why American Kids are so Spoiled.  Rob and I have talked about this a lot, and frankly kids today (and their parents) are a lot of the reason I'm positively terrified to have children some day.  Via Nova.

I can't remember if I've shared this before but whatevs: 9 Unintentionally Threatening Notes and Drawings by Children.

Cosmo's 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips.

The 25 Greatest Unscripted Lines in Film History (video).

14 First-World Problems from the 90s. (via Justine)

Best Breaking Bad GIFs.

Best of the "Hey Girls! Did You Know about your Boobs?" meme.  I like the dinosaur ones personally.

The book seer will tell you what book to read next based on the last book you read.

101 Tips from the World's Most Famous Authors.

This and this could keep me entertained for hours.

Check out this amazing MLK portrait made of Rubik's Cubes.

Famous movie characters depicted as Charlie Brown characters.

Chicago vs. Chicago: Round 3.

My sister told me about the comics on Hark, a Vagrant and I'm addicted.  Thanks Meg!

Here's some awesome street art of 2011.

How much bullshit hides in your writing?

What Dr. Seuss Books were Actually About. (via Nova)

The Godfather vs. Arrested Development.

Super Mario Brothers Characters Drawn Realistically in a Noir Style.

Awesome photography gifts and gear for photographers. Can someone get me the shot glass set? And the iPhone shutter grip?

A Week in the Homeland

You guys are pretty fabulous for sticking with me though I've been so markedly absent.  In fact, my follower count has gone up, how does that make sense? My insecure self assumed that was a message that you guys like when I post less and therefore follow more, ha.

Rob's been gone since 6/23 and honestly, I know I say this every time, but it feels like it's been fucking forever.  Even Rob agrees with that assessment.  I think part of it was that the first fire he was on was in a nasty bit of terrain and the boys weren't allowed to be on their phones at all.  The other part of it was that this was his 3rd 14-day roll in like, three months and we are so fucking over it.

Anyway as I alluded to in my last post, I flew to the Northeast on the 29th for some family time.  I arrived in Boston, hooked up with my sister Megan and made the long drive downeast (stopping in New Hampshire to have lunch with my ma, of course).  I won't bore you with the details of every single day; I'll just say that it was filled with a lot of work (I was on intermittent calls for 8 hours on Monday and Tuesday), boat rides at night, swimming, booze, fireworks, family, and amazing food made by my dad.

My one regret of the visit was that I wasn't all that present, which I'm sure was relatively obvious to anyone who was paying attention.  Being home without Rob reminded me of when he was in the military, when I had to answer questions about where he was and what he was doing and whether he liked it or not.  The emerald green of the trees and the deep blue of the lake/ocean just aren't home without him. It just hurt being alone again, I guess.  Plus I was terrified that they'd come home early and I'd miss him, which happily has turned out not to be the case.  If all goes well I should see him on Sunday night or Monday at the latest. He'd tell you that this was a pretty overdramatic assessment of being without him, but he was in the middle of the desert and it's my blog so shut up Rob in my head.

Here are various photos from Megan's apartment in Boston, dad's house on the lake, Rob's parents' house on the coast, and everything in between.  Hopefully it gives you a good idea of Maine and particularly the area of Maine that Rob and I are from. I apologize that they are iPhone photos - my camera's sensor is dirty and I'll be damned if I find the time to go get it cleaned.

Links for You

These hedgehogs are sorry you had a rough day.

88 Books that Shaped America.

I'm in love with all of this Arrested Development tribute art. (via Nova)

Ray Bradbury Predictions Fulfilled. (via Nova)

(Everything) in a Jar: Handmade Gifts. I know, I know, a DIY post, but I love this idea!

Check out this camera that can shoot in 1000 megapixels. Most computers can only hold one of these photos.

The Grand Canyon, three ways. I've only seen the South Rim (since we had to do quick trips) but I think I'm going to take Rob to the North Rim when we go in October.

How McDonald's Burgers are Photographed.  Call me gross, but I can't eat fast food burgers because of the celiac disease and I really miss them.

A Supercut of Every Movie Ever Screened on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  If you aren't a total nerd like me you may not appreciate this but I will say that I watched the entire thing. (via Betsey)

These fruit and veggie skulls are both awesome and terrifying.

People who say they're moving to Canada because of ObamaCare.  Good luck guys!

Screwy portraits.

36 Terrible Sex Tips for Men. Did you know that 81% of women do not want you to try anal sex without asking?

You guys have to know by now that I'm so into this shit - Classic Photos of Celebrities.

Play old Game Boy Color games using HTML5! This kept me busy for some time.

You've probably seen this photo of a disfigured Marine and his wife on their wedding day; here is the entire photographic set with their story.

This note from a kid made me laugh.

Crafts made from Altoid Tins!